Charred Croissant

While in Montreal, we enjoyed delicious, buttery croissants, warm from the oven. Sunday, we thought we'd try to recreate the experience. Soooo, we popped these two in my trusty toaster oven, using the "Toast" setting (my 1st time):

Click on the image for a larger view, if you dare.

The timer was set and everything?!? Poor, poor, TOTALLY HUGE and TOTALLY BURNT, now-like-charcoal croissants! yah, reeeal yummy. The mottled food item beneath them is a left-over berry pancake from Saturday AM.

Weight Watchers Hilarity Cards

How I found this source of hilarity, I won't explain in full detail - I will simply credit the dear Ladybug.

As I can tell, "Candyboots" hit the jackpot when she discovered her mother's long-treasured Weight Watchers recipe cards, circa 1974 - ya gotta go check these out!

Stuff Portrait, er, Monday!?!

Alright, alright...so I'm way late. I know, but I wanted to play!
So, with that...

The Neighborhood eyesore - more than a mile down the road from my place, there's an older housing development. In Vegas, "older" could mean 20 years old or younger. Anyhow, the entrance has two development signs on either side and both are in terrible shape. I've been wondering if they're just waiting for them to fall apart completely - ? Must not be too concerned about maintaining much appeal for landing new home owners. It's real odd, I think, for a decent area to neglect the entry like this.


Interesting Neighborhood sign - Everyday, I drive past this lil' "Buggy Bath" car wash depot on my way to work. Each week, a new inspirational/food for thought message is posted on the business sign. Me being into quotes, I absolutely love this! -and I love it that the owners think to do this, instead of promoting some business slogan.


Picture(s) Taken in Secret - Technically, I have a lot of "taken in secret" shots, if one considers all the "napping kitty" pics I have... although, I'm almost sure that most of those "napping kitty" pics were not truly taken in secret; I was merely being ignored!
These lil' buggers sense everything, I tell ya! The other day, Owen started going absolutely NUTSO at the base of the coat closet, near the front entry. I came over to open the closet door for him, and he immediately dove into its back corner and emerged seconds later with a big spider between his teeth! yes, how lovely - such a useful lil' guy too, isn't he? Owen, the Fierce bug killer. Otis is equally fascinated by bugs - but he's my lil' lounging lover boy, not nearly as active as his lil' bro-bro.

Crunched fer Time

Mmmkay - I sooo so so wanna post stuff about Montreal - I'm still running high off that trip! Man, it WAS SO GRRRREAT, if I haven't mentioned that already... but I have a gazillion "just-before-school-starts" things to do. BUHT! I do intend to post - best intentions to post, I have.

'Til then, have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Self-Portrait Day!

Took these last week while we were in the Metro station, downtown Montreal - which was sooo clean!?! No, really! the station was very clean! - no joking. This "mirror" was really some reflecting mirror-like surface (not glass) on the front of a photo booth...which we tried out together (me, mah honey-man and the angel boy-O).
The first pic was a fluke, but I thought it looked cool ~ the 2nd was to be the "corrected" effort, although still out of focus.

Bonjour!

I'm back! and I'm totally swamped with work and preparations for school starting next Monday! but I'm back! and I hope to post some trip details soon! and some pics! The pics will need to first be sorted through though - I took well over 1,200 pictures - correction: over 1,600 photos = INSANE.
Moreover, the trip to Montreal was fabulous, dahhling! FAAH-BOO-LUSS!

Expect a from-Montreal Self-Portrait this week!

I'm tellin' ya, it was FAAH-BOO-LUSS!
Big fat happy tears!

Stuff Portrait Friday! - a tad late is all...

Once again, thanks to and according to Kristine...

#1 - my ride:
This is my trusty lil' Echo - 43 mpg on the highway, thank you very much = kiss ass ride! The "STAYPFT" is NOT for "Stay Fit" or "Stay Phat", nor is it for "Stay Perfect" (that one soo-so-so000 totally freaks me out! - that's awful!!!). It's short for "Stay Puft," as in the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man... ya know, the big and bubble-like, poofy, white marshmallow man? more commonly recognized in today's age from the movie Ghostbusters? Yeah. That's my car. The lil' happy buddha with the moon medallion hangs from my rearview mirror - just a bonus pic cuz I like it so much. Happens to be from my ex-husband though - that's not at all why I like it nor why I keep it still. I just like it. My father's last visit to Vegas, he asked where it came from and I told him I didn't want to tell him (although - of course - I did), because I didn't want him reading into it at all. Who knows if he believed me... he thinks I'm a quirky thing. Anyhow, I like it cuz it's cool - ain't it cool lookin'?

#2 - a mile away: Man, what to show here? Hmmm...may have to deal with this one later, since I got nuthin' on this right now! Postponed until, um, later.

#3 - as titled below: I may have mentioned this, but maybe I haven't. I do not really like Las Vegas. In many, many ways, I really hate Vegas, yet I tolerate it because I'm here. And I know I've mentioned this one already, but this is the longest I've lived in any one city in my life - 6 years come Labor Day. This fact is not to be confused with love or even a liking of Vegas... but if there was any one reason (several really, in this case) why I love where I live? it would have to be the people I've met and grown to value - to love - here in Las Vegas. People I learn from, spend time with, people who make my life -here in this hot dusty hell hole- truly enjoyable.

No, apparently I could not wait to post this until I got back from Montreal...

yes, apparently I'm nuts; delieriously tired, is what I am.

Off to Fake mah French

Alrighty - First of all, I so wanted to participate in today's SPF (that's Self-Portrait Friday), but I'm seriously crunched for time. I'm finishing (supposed to be) a final paper for my last summer class, which ends at 4pm tomorrow (yes, on a class on Saturday - and dammit, I hate Saturday classes... I think I may have mentioned this on my blog, oh, about SEVERAL times, having been plagued with Saturday classes since January).

More importantly, I'm leaving for Montreal tomorrow evening (wooo-hoo!) and I'll be gone until the 21st. I have no clue as to how I may or may not have access to the internet - but I think I'll purty preoccupied, even if I'll may be sitting around completely clueless most of my time... I've been forewarned that my honey-man's family will try very hard to speak English the 1st 24 hrs after I met them, reverting to French later on for the rest of our stay. I don't much more than a few key phrases in french - I'm already sure that my primary phrase for this trip will be the following: Now, I don't know how to spell/write it in french, but it means, "I don't understand."

See ya/read ya'll later! adieu! (sp?!?) mmwah!

Self-Portrait Day! - Meet "Cousin It"

This one is for my not so lil' brother.

(he's 6 ft. 6" tall, 16 and adorable)

Some background info:

Memorial Day 2004, I went with my immediate family to Disneyland -yes, over the Memorial Day holiday weekend. yes, I thought the idea was certifiably insane... HOWEVER, we had ourselves a strategy for stress-free Disneyland success!

It was JUHHHST fine, really! We went on Friday before the swarms had arrived. Our 2nd day was Sunday, when the swarms were leaving. Plus, we stayed at the California Hotel Resort, just inside the California part of the park; perfect for post-Grizzly River Run drenchings... we'd finish the ride and saunter right over to our hotel for a swim or a quick dress change. Anyhow, our longest wait in line was for Indiana Jones with a "Fast Pass" - about 30 minutes is all. 2nd longest wait time in line was 25 minutes for California Screamin' (by the way, we road that thing over and over and over again, usually only a 10-15 minute wait).

So - - our first "long wait" for Screamin,' my brother (15 at the time) says to me, "Oh, do your Cousin It" - I used to do this when he was a lil' pee-wee toddler and he would laugh loud enough to wake the dead. So, picture it: in the middle of the line, without thinking, I went for it and then, while blinded by my hair, I heard not only my brother laughing, but many unidentified giggles and great laughter errupting from all around me. For some bizarre reason, it hadn't first occured to me that I would have an audience, as I was surrounded by oh, a few hundred people all waiting in the same line?

Cruisin' Hopper

These pics were actually taken last week, while, um, I was driving to work - when leaving my complex, I noticed this lil' dude on my windshield wiper and I thought, "whoa, he ain't gunna make it there for long." He made it to the highway and all the way through the airport tunnel...

...and all the way to my place of work! Twice he nearly lost his grip, barely hanging on with his forelegs. I even caught myself slowing down for him at one point when he caught a sidewind up the butt, causing his wings to flare over his head. I kept thinking he was gunna lose it. The last shot was taken when I had finally parked my car.

A Storm is a Comin'

Click on the pics for larger images...

Don't these look cool? I love it when it rains here. The entire Vegas valley is dark and overcast right now. The west side has already been dumped on, but central has had only some sprinkling thus far. Last night the thunder was spectacular. Otis and Owen were a riot, heads whipping back and forth, running to the windows to watch the sky.

Last Night of Lobbying

Mmmkay, so I was BORED OUTTA MY MIND... so I snatched away my neighboring classmate's notebook. Using my left hand, I covered from her view what I was about to quickly write and then I took my hand away to reveal my scribble - and she wrote right back. Nerds that we are and already on the verge of TOTALLY LOSING IT, both of us had the hardest time maintaining our composure, especially when next, I revealed my camera to document our nerdiness.
Later on, camera left out on the table, I casually pressed the power button back on and began to pivot turn the camera in her direction... she whispered, feeling instant panic, "Wait, what are you doing!?!" and she brought up her hand just as I took the first shot.
The woman beside her then lost it and began a giggle fit in the middle of our Lobbying class - very bahhd students - I mean, I am a very bad student, distracting my classmates like that. Shame on me - tisk, tisk. (cue evil snickering) The class in now over, although we must still hand in our final papers tomorrow. Next Saturday, I will finish my last summer class. Then I'll be off to MONTREAL with my honey-man and his angel boy-O. When we return, I'll have one more CLASS-LESS week before classes begin for the Fall semester, which will be my LAST semester of core classes!?! The end is officially in sight! yeah, a tad premature, but I'm rarin' to get outta this MA program AQAP -

SPF ~ OCD, Baby!

Once again, it's Self-Portrait Friday! I juhhst love SPF day ~ it's the total nerd in me. Today's theme: Your Obessive Compulsive Disorders! Initially, I didn't know what to do with this one... I used to bite my nails, but quit at age 10. I used to bite at my split ends (out of sheer boredom though, when in school), but stopped that long ago. I used to have panic attacks once in a while, but haven't had one in years, and I don't think general insecurity from time to time qualifies as an OCD tendency, but this morning I thought of some something!!!

Although #1 is supposed to be "my Bad Habit," this is more like a grand combination of my Bad Habit, plus #2 "my Obession," and #3 "my Anxiety": I obsess over the condition of my towels - this includes swim towels, bath towels, hand towels, washcloths and wash rags - any towel. I CANNOT stand to see/have a wet towel thrown on the floor or any even semi-damp towel of any kind tossed in the laundry basket before it has first been laid out and/or hung up to dry. No No No NO tossing a wet towel into the laundry basket until it has dried out completely! WHY? a wet towel breeds mildew!!! Note: I do not own a single solitary sponge in my home. Sponges serve as nothing more than bacterial breeding centers! blak! Any wash rag used by me will be rinsed out REALLY WELL and rung out TIGHTLY to get rid of as much excess water as possible so it may dry out as quickly as possible. I HATE SEEING A WASH RAG LEFT UNATTENDED IN THE SINK or LEFT WADDED UP ON THE COUNTER! MAKES.MY.SKIN.CRAWL. I reeeeallly hate it. See, once a towel gets that lovely mildew invasion going, you might as well throw it in the trash! Unless you can and do bleach your towels, you will never be rid of the mildew. NEVER! I took a microbiology class! Science supports my claims here, people! Mildew is a microscopic fungus and it saturates every microfiber! No amount of laundry detergent or fabric softener can destroy or cover up that smell - I have an excellent sniffer and lemme' tell ya! I can smell it a mile away!!! Once a towel gets mildewy, as soon as it's wet again, the mildew swiftly returns and if I get a whiff of a recently-wronged towel, I can totally identify old mildew. IT'S DISGUSTING! One time while out of town, my ex-husband left a couple bath towels heaped on the bathroom floor, utterly fouled by the time I returned. I refused to ever use them again for their intended purpose - they were expensive towels too [generous wedding gifts so rock! - still have 4 of the 6 original sets, 8 years later!!! - yes, we were given a ridiculous amount of ALL matching (a wedding miracle in itself) towels]. At first, I tried to super wash them, even ran them through 3 wash cycles (OCD! OCD!), but they were ultimately banished, doomed to wash and wax cars the rest of their towel lives, never to return to the fresh, cool linen closet.

My towel obssession doesn't stop with the mildew obsession/anxiety. See the washcloth laid beside my bathroom sink here? It is not for human skin use! it's used strictly to wipe up the counter and sink area after any messy sink use (my honey-man shares this very same side-sink clean-up washcloth habit - I love it!). Once used, I always lay it out on the front of the sink, over the edge of the counter so it may dry out properly between uses. But if you're ever a guest in my home, make no mistake, this side-sink washcloth is never to be used on human skin, even if I do rotate new washcloths every 3 days or so.

And see the hand towels hung at either side of my bathroom sink area? The one to the right is used strictly for patting my face dry after it's been washed clean. The one to the left is used strictly for drying hands. DO NOT wipe your hands on my face towel OR my body towel! ICKY! The towel will go straight to the laundry basket - ONLY after it has FIRST had the chance to dry out though, of course. Why?!? People usually DO NOT wash their hands as thoroughly as they should, and so they end up just wiping germs off on the towel when they dry their hands - and I DO NOT want yucky remnant hand germies on my body towel or the hand towel I use for my face... thanks.

Another um, funny (neurotic) little OCD thing I do involving towels... after using someone else's bathroom, I'd rather use my own pants to wipe/blot my hands dry, than use someone's typically over-used hand towel left available for me. Plus, I often bring my own washcloth when I travel and will lay it out in such a way that it can dry out during the day or overnight before I may have to pack it back up. ALSO, I once used my travel washcloth to dry myself off after showering, because the guest towel given to me was mildew-tainted, according to my nose. Have you ever tried using a washcloth to dry yourself after showering? Ya end up having to air dry, basically. Yeah, neurotic, I know.


For last measure, a non-towel related Bad Habit:
The pics below look disgusting - yes, yes, I know - but try pullin' big ole', nasty, collected clumps of this stuff from my tub drain on a weekly basis - THAT'S GROSS! no Wait! Let me explain: I have long, thick hair - lots of it. Any day of the week, whenever I wash my hair, several individual strands come out into my hand while I rinse my hair. Now I can either let them rinse off my hands to ultimately plug up my tub drain each week, or I can slap them on the shower wall and later spin them together and toss 'em in the trash once I'm all clean and toweled off. As you can see from the pics, these lil' wall collections from day to day may very in size. No, really - you don't need to tell me how gross this is, I know. Anyhow, the bad habit here involves my FORGETTING to throw the hair in the trash right after I shower, so that it hangs there or falls down from the wall, waiting until I shower again, to be discarded. Otis and Owen have both learned this happens and they will occasionally hop in the tub and the two of them wait for it to fall from the wall. I once found one of these hair clumps (I don't know what to call 'em) out in the front room, having made its way there via Owen, I'm sure. Very gross. I'm not too bad at forgetting - maybe once a week - but when I'm in LA, I forget all the time!!! And often when I remember that I forgot, I go to the bathroom and my honey-man has already tossed it without saying a word of complaint...

Self-Portrait Day!

K, I didn't technically take this one, BUT it was taken today...doesn't that work?

Hail to Norm and The Golden Rule!

The Golden Rule (1961), by Norman Rockwell

Hands down, this has gotta be my favorite illustration, no IFs, ANDs, or BUTs about it. I have loved it since I was a little girl and it brings to me an emotion that fills me physically, creating in my chest a powerful hum - it fills me with hope. It speaks to me of nothing but love for my fellowmen, no matter the level of corruption that exists among our politicians and leaders, no matter the degree of cruelty we may inflict upon each other because of our said "differences" or our selfish indifference. There are good people in this world, regardless, and our differences enrich this world we live in, as long as we respect and honor those differences. This kind of statement makes me think of my mum. She tried very hard before she left to instill in me certain ideals as to how I should treat and view others and regard those seemingly different than me: "Their insides look and feel the very same as yours. They're no different than you."

There's many a way in the world to do one thing or another, and I think The Golden Rule is the best guideline one could hold to. The link here refers to various versions of The Golden Rule from several world religions ~ I am otherwise unfamiliar with the "Teaching Values" site.

The Golden Rule was first printed for The Saturday Evening Post. The resolution on this pic isn't quite as clear, but shows what the April 1, 1961 cover looked like.

I do so love Norman Rockwell ~ his own statement regarding his work is quite telling, I believe:

"Without thinking too much about it in specific terms, I was showing the America I knew and observed to others who might not have noticed."
-— Norman Rockwell

SPF ~ Le Boudoir ~ Zzzz, Jammies Stashed 'HERE' and My Favoritest Pjs

I have no idea yet the order in which these photos will be shown once I post... Repeat to self: "No, really! I love Blogger! It's Free! It's fabulous! Photo upload is a piece of cake! I love Blogger."

#1 My bed: see the shot with the small, light green, embroidered satin throw pillows? (yeah, I know you cannot tell such details from this shot...) and quilted shams? This is how my bed would look if and whenever I actually make it (by the way, I hardly ever make it). The other bed pic shows how it really looks on a daily basis; I only pull the sheets and quilt up and over the bed pillows, hoping to deter my Otis aka the lil' bed pillow hog, from laying all over them. One other thing about my bed, which can't be seen here. Ever since my undergrad frosh year, I've never not had my bed put up on cinder blocks - classy, I know, but this here bed is also up on blocks. Funny thing is many people don't notice because of the bedskirt. Now, why do I insist on using cinder blocks? I.HAVE.A.LOT.OF.STUFF. = a total understatement, but it's far, far improved than before! things are improving even still! the Goodwill LOVES me! Anyhow, having my bed up on blocks creates A LOT of underbed storage space.
Another thing about my bed, when I divorced, thus demoted to "sleep alone by myself" status, I brought out my bedding from my undergrad days - some crazy, gauzey indian print bedspread-like blanket of sorts and chocolate bedsheets; everything unmatched. I figured it was time to evolve, and so I pursued a themed, color-coordinated bedroom decor. I figured all I had to do was pick a bedquilt and go from there...light greens, pinks, red, and creamy white with white-painted wood furniture [most of white pieces are now being used my by roomie (see #2)]. I like it a lot now, but at first it was all sooo feminine, I felt like I was stuck sleeping in someone else's guest bedroom, indefinitely.

#2 My dresser: This piece is actually one of the things I've refinished. It used to be covered with nasty, flat brown paint = a total crime against cedar! To the left, you can see part of its matching 6-drawer dresser. I got the two from my lil' old, sweetest roomie ever, Helen, who I had lived with last, before moving to my present digs. After I was all done with the two pieces, several months later, and it was time to move out -the house had sold- Helen found the very large, matching bureau mirror in a closet, it too, painted flat brown. I haven't yet been able to refinish it... sniff, sniff. I no longer have a two-car garage to work in. K, I can't linger on that for long, bums me out. So anyhow, the two pieces are very dark for me, but I love the retro styling! and the wood is beautiful. Semi-Important Note: In the pic, to either side of this dresser, you can see my sad bed shams and throw pillows; this is where they live on a daily basis.

#3 My Pjs: This particular set? pair? of flannel jammies, one of my very faves, is only revealed around the Christmas holiday or very cold nights. They were given to me for Christmas back in, oh, 1993? yeah. No kidding. I love them though! and I must admit, I look purty darn cute in 'em. If I'm not mistaken, my Gma Joanie gave to both me and my sister these Pjs, matching. I was full grown at the time, but she was only 12 yrs old, so I'm sure her's are long gone.

Mah Very Own Geek Boy

Those of you who use Windows Explorer may or may not know this... For months, my sidebar (ya know, that area shown to the right of this post and all other posts? complete with blogger Profile, "Song in My Head," blogroll, archives, Flickr badge, etc. etc.) could not be viewed as a sidebar when using Windows Explorer; it would always kick down to the bottom of the site (this may still happen with old Macs or whenever the site is viewed in large text).

I first sought the blogging wisdom of Closet Metro - not the first time he's helped me out in the big unknown blogosphere and he is quite helpful, indeed! Yes, turns out the lovely and talented marshmellow man (referring to his dear heart, which we all know is total mush!) is a great fountain of blog formatting knowledge (no, I'm not forgetting you, Kristine - you totally rock!). Anyhow, after some totally right on suggestions offered by Metro, I decided (as it was all sooo over my head) to seek the ultra geeky compooter skills of my very own geek boy, mah honey-man. I normally avoid bothering him with any of my blogger blather, although he does currently serve as my primary writing editor from time to time. So anyhow, he got his wonderful geeky hands on my blog template ~ ~ and voila! I gots me a sidebar no matter which web browser be yer preference.
Yay! Thanks again, sweetness!

Now, the "Nerds Get Chicks" magnet seen above was given to me by a most spunky college girlfriend of mine, Melis. It came in a purty nifty lil' care package she recently sent it to me, juhsst for the hellovit! The package contained items she has deemed part of the following theme: "I saw it and it made me think of you." So what's with the nerd magnet? I'm notoriously attracted to nerds/geeks = my honey-man fits the nerd profile to a T! He's certainly a most handsome, classy, multi-talented guy, and fortunately, he does not own any pocket protectors (that I know of), but he's an adorable nerd, nonetheless. In the past, I've also been accused of dating men who have some awfully unusual names = again, my honey-man fits this description. Anyhow, this other pic shows a couple more of the said themed items that were given to me. The first post-it pad, I totally understand the correlation... Melis and I both spent our early twenties believing we "knew" certain things without a doubt, and that consequently, we believed we could create a 10 year plan as to what and how we would accomplish many a thing in our lives. We've since learned that there are unseen limits to "knowing"... and that it's very important to live right here in the "NOW," to enjoy what we have RIGHT NOW, despite whatever plans or dreams one may wish to pursue.

The "Good Golly" post-it pad shouldn't need any explaining, since I've already demonstrated my use of the word "nifty" in this very post...

It ain't PMS

I've been soooo filled with emotion in the past week+ and I've often found myself in tears at various random and odd (nod to Kristine!) moments. Honestly, I attribute this to my being very happy right now in my life ~ the happiest I've ever been thus far. Seriously. Note: it should be granted that all previously experienced moments of innocent childhood bliss do not apply to the aforementioned statement; absolutely nothing compares to innocent childhood bliss, and I swear, we spend the majority of our adult lives longing for those days, wishing we could recapture them. Disclaimer: Should also be granted, there are unfortunate exceptions in all cases.

Anyhow, in all my happiness, I've come to see what had to happen in order for me to be where I am right now. Much has been weighed and sorted by way of recent discussions regarding "our lives up until now," with the following significant people in my life: 1) my college girlfriend, Suzanne, who knows me in the worst and best ways and vice versa; 2) my childhood girlfriend, Johanna (we've known each other since kindergarten), who recently became a proud lil' mommie of a gorgeous, healthy baby boy; 3) Johanna's mother, Barbara, who has been a constant source of support and many an enlightening, thought-provoking convos, which have helped me at various times; and 4) a beautiful friend, Eve, who has known me since I was a babe, who served my mother as a dear friend and as her terminal-illness counselor initially, and who only weeks ago lost her husband to a brutal, 18 month-long fight with cancer... Each of these women are invaluable figures in my life and I type these words as tears well up in my eyes. See?! - there I go again, crying!

I've been really wanting to write, yet not knowing what it is I want to say exactly... BUT let me say this right now (this warning is directed towards my father), it ain't PMS! so don't be blaming ol' Auntie Flo, although she IS a raging bitch, and I will NEVER understand why it's necessary women face this monthly week-long stretch of total body 'n' soul hormonal-hijacking. Disclaimer: I am sure Auntie Flo may, um, 'enhance' my emotions at times, but she can't be held solely responsible; this post has been a long time coming.

#1 I met mah honey-man one year ago this past Monday, July 18th. For that alone, I'm thrilled outta my mind on a daily basis, because I so absolutely adore him to no end in sight, and I certainly love him and his angel boy-O so dearly.
#2 I think about all the 'what ifs' that exist in my life and it is in these precise moments of random thought, I find myself in tears lately, no matter where I may be at the time ~ ~ In a grocery aisle, while driving my car, standing in an elevator, planted at my office desk... It's been a bit alarming, I admit, yet I know it is in these moments, I cry because I'm absolutely overcome with joy and gratitude for all that I have.
#3 Moreover, the day after I met my honey-man, I met another fellow and went out with him first... I believe this "date" was critical to my current happiness and I'll tell you why.

Soooo, the day after I met who is now my honey-man, I also met this other great guy (intelligent, witty, accomplished, attractive) and he asked me out, and so, I went out with him later in that same week... The date was fine, juhhst fine, technically. In quality, it rose far, far above my expectations, yet I experienced such an immeasurable failure to accept this guy's remote interest in me, I knew by the date's end, without a doubt, that something was seriously wrong with me. To no fault of his own -it was ALL of my own doing- I found myself overwhelmed by feelings of utter inadequacy and embarrassment, and it was wholly debilitating as the evening passed into early morning hours. I was fine for the first while, yet my self-abasement went from mild humility to ridiculous measure.

The most important question was this: WHY? - I recognized the symptoms for what they were; something was clearly wrong, but why did I respond in such a way? - what the hell was going on?!? The thoughts in my head at the time and the feelings brought on by this incident -this date- although truly painful and deeply rooted, I knew they were ALL GENERATED IN MY HEAD and all of them were sooooo wrong! By all rights, it should have been a good date, yet I behaved like a ninny and went home feeling like a total shit. As I drove home in tears, one thing was crystal: Something had to change and it had to be ME. Once I got home from the date, I sobbed on the couch for at least two solid hours (scaring my poor kitties to near death), and I stayed up until about 6 AM+, desperately rummaging through old boxes and personal notes and letters, recounting my past, looking for answers, bawling my heart out and asking myself, WHY do I do this to myself?!? and HOW do I stop this?!?

I had nearly regained my composure when a small, one-page, handwritten note from my ex-husband literally fell into my lap from the pages of an old college algebra notebook. I recognized it immediately. I had completely forgotten its existence and hadn't realized I'd even kept it. It began, "I am the world's biggest asshole. It is easier for me to place blame elsewhere than to look at myself..." Man, I hadn't thought I could cry any harder!?! Those four hours and the entire next month to follow, I deliberately wallowed in my heartache (and in a flooded bedroom and front room, due to a broken water heater rendering my apt. nearly uninhabitable for 2 weeks), wrestling with and challenging my own sense of self-worth, examining my routine assumptions, past relationships (familial, paternal and romantic), and my knee jerk-responses to certain people and situations, revisiting poor decisions made, and my own countless moments of self-defeat. There were many long-distance calls to my father, sobbing incoherently into his patient and loving ear. What it all amounted to, was a fierce struggle against my own self-designed, self-reinforced inferiority complex.

At this point in the story, I must clarify something: None of this was about the guy who'd taken me out; I was not bawling my head off cuz I thought I'd blown it with this guy (although I was sure I had and felt quite stupid). It wasn't about him - IT WAS ABOUT ME; I was crying for ME and my INABILITY to allow myself to feel deserving of anything good.

I had already been aware of this HUGE problem to a certain extent, but it had never been so undeniably evident. I'm tellin' ya, allll sorts of crap came out of the woodwork on this one! Intellectually, I knew how I felt was wrong and in many many ways already understood where it was coming from, yet I hadn't been able to squash those feelings; feelings barring me from a healthy sense of self. SELF-REALIZATIONS: I had to quit beating myself up over taking so much seemingly unproductive, yet absolutely necessary recoup time, post-divorce. I had to sit down and tackle "my reasons" for putting off a certain career choice and the pursuit of a graduate degree. I had to further acknowledge ever-unresolved issues with my parents, along with the fact that my failed marriage was still hovering over me, actively breaking not only my heart, but my confidence... I had to dig down and get dirty in order to thoroughly and aggressively reassess where I was at the time. Another point to make before I go on, for the sake of clarification and the record: I do not miss my ex-husband, nor have I ever since I made the decision to leave - but I have mourned the loss of friendship we'd once had before we married AND the realization that although I had thought I "knew" him and once trusted him completely -my then life partner- I was horribly wrong, and to have had that kind of experience/realization alone is devastating, undermining any ability to trust others or my own judgment. Even still, I've always been a trusting person and remain so, but I've had to work hard to rebuild that part of me.

Back to the "critical to my current happiness" story: I don't know what it was about this fellow to have provoked such a total freak out reaction on my part, but his character seemed strong and his general nature set me up for a life changing self-confrontation. Although I really didn't know him from Adam, I already knew without a doubt that he was an insightful guy and so, whenever I shot myself down and he'd immediately call me on it, I couldn't dismiss him or his observations, as I could with others quite easily. It was finally undeniable; so clear, so obvious (redundant there, I know) that I was, indeed, my worst enemy!!! and if I was to ever be happy, if I was ever going to allow myself a chance at a good guy -to believe I deserved a good guy- I had to get a handle on some things and grant myself some self-worth, dammit. In a way, I needed to grant myself permission...

So, this fellow served as a catalyst of sorts = post-date, I was spurred into action! And in turn, the confrontation helped to prepare me for my first date to come, August 21st, 2004, with mah honey-man. Had I not first gone through the refiner's fire in the month after meeting both him and 'my catalyst,' I surely would have rejected my honey-man once given the chance; our first date would have been our last. The very day I had met my honey-man, despite aching smiley muscles and my heart all a flutter, I had tried to dismiss him by that day's end... Thankfully, my honey-man was patient and persistent. And by the time we had our first date, I was ready.

I imagine 'my catalyst' is somewhere in D.C. right now, and I'm sure he's absolutely clueless as to how his open honesty and kind patience provoked such a profound inner-change in me; a change that has enabled me to accept the good, revitalize my courage, and most importantly, open my eyes and see myself as I am and my own potential within = renewed resolved to take control of my life.

I had written that fellow an email of gratitude, but feel I could never really explain to him the role he had inadvertently played ~ so I want to thank him again, hoping he'll better understand how a person can affect another, just by their example; Neil, thank you for your example ~ and again, I will never forget your rendition of "Home Means Nevada." All the best to you!

SPF ~ Mah Specialty, Fave Appliance n' Always in Stock

#1 Specialty Dinner: um, I don't actually consider Amish Friendship CAKE (it is sooo not "bread," thank you very much!) my "specialty" dinner. However, right after class last night, I made this bundt shown below. Since I just didn't have any yummy, homemade baked mac n' cheese on hand at the time though, this is whatcha get; a specialty of mine in itself.

#2 My Favorite Appliance: Since I couldn't possibly pick which of my 4 wood sanders is my favorite, as each plays an essential role in furniture refinishing, NOR could I choose between my power drill or my staple gun, I thought I'd resort to a favorite kitchen appliance - much, much easier. I'd say it's a tie between my electric griddle and my toaster oven. The griddle isn't as practical though, nor is it as attractive as my toaster oven... So, here's my RED toaster oven. If anyone had ever told me several years ago, back in my twenties (hee hee), that I'd someday fall in love with a toaster oven? I would have doubled over laughing, honestly. When I was getting married, my Grams told me she wanted to give us some new fandangled toaster oven, and I told her NO WAY; "It will never be used," I had told her. I think we were given camping equipment instead, tah my delight. Yet a couple years ago, a friend gave me her old, well used, yet fully functional toaster oven, and upon its first use, I was converted! Why is it such a wonderful appliance? Well, for instance, living in Vegas, it's important to avoid super heating your kitchen/home by any use of a conventional oven... all baking, broiling, etc. is put on full hiatus during the summer months. Howevah, the oh-so glorious invention that is the toaster oven allows me to broil a single piece of salmon without broiling us all.


#3 Food I always have in stock:
There are a few staples I always have on hand. Coincidentally, all I had to do was open the fridge and take this shot seen here, as is: light yogurt, part-skim mozzarella string cheese, Italian dressing, and tofu. Other regular items not shown here: Trader's P.B., granny smith apples and celery. I always have celery.

Ha ha! ~ I'm a Liberal, Grandpa!

My Political Profile

Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?