Stranger Danger - a MUST READ

This past weekend I subjected myself to the TV show "Dateline," featuring the story behind Joe Duncan and the disapperances of Shasta Groene and Dylan Groene. Why would I want to subject myself to hearing more about it and in such detail, my honey-man asked me. At that very moment, I didn't know quite what to say, but I felt the answer, although I had to bumble around a bit to find the words. Why would I want to know anything more? #1 It happened and cannot be denied, whether I want to ignore it or not. #2 It involves children. #3 It involves kiddnapping by a known child molester. Again, why would I want to watch this? #4 Desperately hoping to learn what went wrong - what, if anything, could have been done to prevent such a thing. . . hoping to learn anything about what to do in order to protect children from dangerous strangers.

I am absolutely terrified of literally losing a child. TERRIFIED. I can honestly think of nothing worse. A loved one dying from illness or common (or even uncommon) accident would be better than having a child taken. [NOTE: my mum died when I was 12 and although I feel this loss daily, as does my Grams, having "lost" her child in this way, she has concurred -better than to ever lose her or any child to a kidnapper; and my father's little brother died in a car accident at age 19 - also torturing my Gma daily, yet she agrees, losing him to a stranger would have been a hundred times worse.] I think I may be a tad' more fixed on it than most because of my own personal experiences... The first: a man wanting to "show" me something in a back corner of the public library bookstacks - he took my hand without asking and began to lead me away with a threatening voice and he wouldn't let me go until I screamed; 2) the time my best childhood girlfriend and I were romping around in our swimsuits in the school soccer field water sprinklers and we were approached by a guy who drove up with another - they had to be in their late teens - and asked us to give them a show sans swimsuits...I told the guy "no way" and that I was going to go get my mother right over there, pointing towards the school, although my mother was nowhere near; 3) and the time I was followed by a creepy man all dressed in denim, while I was walking to my friend's house alone. As I sped up, he sped up and I freaked out, convinced he was after me. When I turned the corner, I ran into a nearby yard and hid in some bushes - he came running around the corner right after me and stood on the next corner (short block) looking around for me; 4) And while in New York City for the first time (I don't think I've told anyone about this actually), a strange man claiming to have been a drummer for Rod Stewart started an interesting convo with me and we wandered a certain area of the Met together, chatting enthusiastically and then he tried to take me to an empty stairwell! That was in 2002 and I was 27 years old.

When I was little, age 4 or 5, I thought it was really hilarious to sneak off and hide from my mum in clothing or fabric racks. From my hiding place, I would watch her and when a clear path was available, I would then run off to report myself to a cashier clerk as lost, so I could hear my mother's name called over the loud speaker in the ZCMI department store where my father worked at the time. I remember being delighted by this, thrilled to hear her name, to then see how quickly my mum would come rushing and she'd hug me so tightly and lovingly scold me for going off without her. I loved it. The first time I tried this trick of mine with my maternal Gpa along with us? it was my last ever performance. I don't have any visual images in mind of the ultimate confrontation between us, but I remember how it felt and what I was told: he let me know that it was NOT funny in any way, a NO good thing to do, ultimately inconsiderate, and essentially CRUEL to my poor mother, who I do remember was off to the side of him, in tears... and by the time he was done berating me (rightly so), I was a bawling mess, truly humbled and devastated by what I had done.

Even then, I had a tendency to innocently wander off - like most children do. I think at some point my mother was sick of having to do all the work in order to keep track of me and she tried to teach me a lesson and boy, did it work. I wandered off and SHE did the hiding! Man, I freaked! When I had been the one hiding from her, I had always known all along where she was, watching her from my secret place, so I had never had anything to worry about. But to actually have lost her? Once I had burst into tears, she revealed herself, acting as if she'd found me. Our reunion was tearful and she didn't tell me what she'd done until much later on. At the time, the point was clearly, entirely understood: stay close to mum. The lesson had to be learned with my father too though - we were at a crowded Burger King waiting in line to place our order. I wandered off to the side, staring at promotional signs. My father was a devout believer in corduroys at the time - I returned to the line and clutched some man's corduroy clothen leg, thinking it was my father's. I looked up and saw a complete stranger looking down at me! I totally burst into tears.

I was 10 years old when we moved to Montana, and by this time, I was really good at sticking close to my parents. Late one day we heard the local news: at the very same fabric store we'd been shopping at earlier, there had been a child running around the store and the mother had kept barking directions to "come back," "stay by me," "come here please," "stop that," etc. She was insistent and was actually keeping a pretty good tab on her child's whereabouts, even chasing after the child at times. When the moment came for her to pay for her items, the child ran off to the entrance of the store which was in the mall - the store entry was maybe 10-15 feet away from the cashier is all? Someone took her child, right from behind her, less than 15 feet away. The child was never found.

And I don't know how long ago I saw this, but Oprah aired a show featuring "Stranger Danger." At some Chicago park, pre-recorded before the actual show, they staged things so that while Oprah was interviewing a parent they'd approached there at the park, the parent's child could be seen in the background, playing on the playground equipment. Without the parent knowing, Oprah had an older, clean cut gentleman approach each parent's child and he had a puppy on a leash and a hidden microphone to overhear him. As Oprah would ask each parent questions about how he/she had taught their child the dangers of strangers and each parent went on and on about how confident they were in their parental coaching of his/her child, you could see in the background and hear the older man as he approached the said child. Get this: EVERY. SINGLE. CHILD. -some without even being persuaded to do so- willingly went off with the man and his puppy. Only one child had hesitated at first, looking towards his mother and explaining he couldn't talk to strangers, but even that little boy ended up wandering off as the man began to walk away with his puppy.

At some point in the interview, Oprah would finally reveal to the parent what was going on behind them in the now far away background - along with several efficient assistants swooping in quickly for damage control purposes - pointing towards the new and distant location of their child, most of them unrecognizable, they had moved so far away. Every parent freaked out, some ready to run off and clobber the dog walker, while most were totally immobilized, falling to their knees and bursting into tears, as the realization of what had just happened sunk in. Granted, each parent had been thoroughly distracted during the interview, but the point was this... Mommy/Daddy had been right there with their child nearby in plain view and each child went off willingly with the stranger and his doggie despite any previous parental coaching against strangers. Oprah then had each parent view the playback tape of their child and the man - it made me cry. It was terrifying - I don't know how else to describe it, but it was absolutely terrifying. Thereafter, Oprah had several guest psychologists discussing what to do and important measures and how to respond when children innocently fail to follow their parents' instructions.

With all the news coverage regarding the Groene children, my fear of child abduction has been amplified. Even before now, when my honey-man's angel boy-O runs ahead of us, it absolutely freaks me out if I lose sight of him and it is soooo not okay for me. New plans are underway to research and reinforce the various concepts of "DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS" coaching; more teaching and insisting must be done and we hope to give him the proper tools to deal with the WRONG kind of people if and when approached, to know how to assert himself against such persons before it's potentially too late. If a split-second window of opportunity exists in such a situation, I want my child to recognize this window before it may close. I've read that children often confuse seemingly nice strangers with how they've been vigorously and adamantly taught to have respect for authority and adults in general... children are essentially taught that adults know best. Once a stranger finally reveals themselves as the bad guy, it's too late for the child to assert themselves against the stranger; the child has already been led away or taken, already abused, and possibly -literally- beated into submission.

It's certainly one thing when a child is physically overtaken or targeted - I can only pray it never happens, but if my child is approached by a stranger in public, I want my child to know how to yell in defiance and defend themselves whenever I cannot be there to do it for them - and parents can't always be there, no matter how hard we may try.

I've heard and read it's better to emphasize to a child what is right and coach/train them to refuse what's wrong, and tout supreme respect for the differences. For instance, a child should know that going off with anyone -friend or stranger- without a parent's expressed and explicit permission is WRONG... And if that pre-approved adult were to try anything the child has been taught is wrong, I want my child to confidently reject that adult, no matter how much that adult may have been initially trusted or known by my child. Granted, even with the proper "training," children only have so much power, as they're quite limited physically, BUT I know from my own experience, it's important to give our children the license to use their voice.