It ain't PMS

I've been soooo filled with emotion in the past week+ and I've often found myself in tears at various random and odd (nod to Kristine!) moments. Honestly, I attribute this to my being very happy right now in my life ~ the happiest I've ever been thus far. Seriously. Note: it should be granted that all previously experienced moments of innocent childhood bliss do not apply to the aforementioned statement; absolutely nothing compares to innocent childhood bliss, and I swear, we spend the majority of our adult lives longing for those days, wishing we could recapture them. Disclaimer: Should also be granted, there are unfortunate exceptions in all cases.

Anyhow, in all my happiness, I've come to see what had to happen in order for me to be where I am right now. Much has been weighed and sorted by way of recent discussions regarding "our lives up until now," with the following significant people in my life: 1) my college girlfriend, Suzanne, who knows me in the worst and best ways and vice versa; 2) my childhood girlfriend, Johanna (we've known each other since kindergarten), who recently became a proud lil' mommie of a gorgeous, healthy baby boy; 3) Johanna's mother, Barbara, who has been a constant source of support and many an enlightening, thought-provoking convos, which have helped me at various times; and 4) a beautiful friend, Eve, who has known me since I was a babe, who served my mother as a dear friend and as her terminal-illness counselor initially, and who only weeks ago lost her husband to a brutal, 18 month-long fight with cancer... Each of these women are invaluable figures in my life and I type these words as tears well up in my eyes. See?! - there I go again, crying!

I've been really wanting to write, yet not knowing what it is I want to say exactly... BUT let me say this right now (this warning is directed towards my father), it ain't PMS! so don't be blaming ol' Auntie Flo, although she IS a raging bitch, and I will NEVER understand why it's necessary women face this monthly week-long stretch of total body 'n' soul hormonal-hijacking. Disclaimer: I am sure Auntie Flo may, um, 'enhance' my emotions at times, but she can't be held solely responsible; this post has been a long time coming.

#1 I met mah honey-man one year ago this past Monday, July 18th. For that alone, I'm thrilled outta my mind on a daily basis, because I so absolutely adore him to no end in sight, and I certainly love him and his angel boy-O so dearly.
#2 I think about all the 'what ifs' that exist in my life and it is in these precise moments of random thought, I find myself in tears lately, no matter where I may be at the time ~ ~ In a grocery aisle, while driving my car, standing in an elevator, planted at my office desk... It's been a bit alarming, I admit, yet I know it is in these moments, I cry because I'm absolutely overcome with joy and gratitude for all that I have.
#3 Moreover, the day after I met my honey-man, I met another fellow and went out with him first... I believe this "date" was critical to my current happiness and I'll tell you why.

Soooo, the day after I met who is now my honey-man, I also met this other great guy (intelligent, witty, accomplished, attractive) and he asked me out, and so, I went out with him later in that same week... The date was fine, juhhst fine, technically. In quality, it rose far, far above my expectations, yet I experienced such an immeasurable failure to accept this guy's remote interest in me, I knew by the date's end, without a doubt, that something was seriously wrong with me. To no fault of his own -it was ALL of my own doing- I found myself overwhelmed by feelings of utter inadequacy and embarrassment, and it was wholly debilitating as the evening passed into early morning hours. I was fine for the first while, yet my self-abasement went from mild humility to ridiculous measure.

The most important question was this: WHY? - I recognized the symptoms for what they were; something was clearly wrong, but why did I respond in such a way? - what the hell was going on?!? The thoughts in my head at the time and the feelings brought on by this incident -this date- although truly painful and deeply rooted, I knew they were ALL GENERATED IN MY HEAD and all of them were sooooo wrong! By all rights, it should have been a good date, yet I behaved like a ninny and went home feeling like a total shit. As I drove home in tears, one thing was crystal: Something had to change and it had to be ME. Once I got home from the date, I sobbed on the couch for at least two solid hours (scaring my poor kitties to near death), and I stayed up until about 6 AM+, desperately rummaging through old boxes and personal notes and letters, recounting my past, looking for answers, bawling my heart out and asking myself, WHY do I do this to myself?!? and HOW do I stop this?!?

I had nearly regained my composure when a small, one-page, handwritten note from my ex-husband literally fell into my lap from the pages of an old college algebra notebook. I recognized it immediately. I had completely forgotten its existence and hadn't realized I'd even kept it. It began, "I am the world's biggest asshole. It is easier for me to place blame elsewhere than to look at myself..." Man, I hadn't thought I could cry any harder!?! Those four hours and the entire next month to follow, I deliberately wallowed in my heartache (and in a flooded bedroom and front room, due to a broken water heater rendering my apt. nearly uninhabitable for 2 weeks), wrestling with and challenging my own sense of self-worth, examining my routine assumptions, past relationships (familial, paternal and romantic), and my knee jerk-responses to certain people and situations, revisiting poor decisions made, and my own countless moments of self-defeat. There were many long-distance calls to my father, sobbing incoherently into his patient and loving ear. What it all amounted to, was a fierce struggle against my own self-designed, self-reinforced inferiority complex.

At this point in the story, I must clarify something: None of this was about the guy who'd taken me out; I was not bawling my head off cuz I thought I'd blown it with this guy (although I was sure I had and felt quite stupid). It wasn't about him - IT WAS ABOUT ME; I was crying for ME and my INABILITY to allow myself to feel deserving of anything good.

I had already been aware of this HUGE problem to a certain extent, but it had never been so undeniably evident. I'm tellin' ya, allll sorts of crap came out of the woodwork on this one! Intellectually, I knew how I felt was wrong and in many many ways already understood where it was coming from, yet I hadn't been able to squash those feelings; feelings barring me from a healthy sense of self. SELF-REALIZATIONS: I had to quit beating myself up over taking so much seemingly unproductive, yet absolutely necessary recoup time, post-divorce. I had to sit down and tackle "my reasons" for putting off a certain career choice and the pursuit of a graduate degree. I had to further acknowledge ever-unresolved issues with my parents, along with the fact that my failed marriage was still hovering over me, actively breaking not only my heart, but my confidence... I had to dig down and get dirty in order to thoroughly and aggressively reassess where I was at the time. Another point to make before I go on, for the sake of clarification and the record: I do not miss my ex-husband, nor have I ever since I made the decision to leave - but I have mourned the loss of friendship we'd once had before we married AND the realization that although I had thought I "knew" him and once trusted him completely -my then life partner- I was horribly wrong, and to have had that kind of experience/realization alone is devastating, undermining any ability to trust others or my own judgment. Even still, I've always been a trusting person and remain so, but I've had to work hard to rebuild that part of me.

Back to the "critical to my current happiness" story: I don't know what it was about this fellow to have provoked such a total freak out reaction on my part, but his character seemed strong and his general nature set me up for a life changing self-confrontation. Although I really didn't know him from Adam, I already knew without a doubt that he was an insightful guy and so, whenever I shot myself down and he'd immediately call me on it, I couldn't dismiss him or his observations, as I could with others quite easily. It was finally undeniable; so clear, so obvious (redundant there, I know) that I was, indeed, my worst enemy!!! and if I was to ever be happy, if I was ever going to allow myself a chance at a good guy -to believe I deserved a good guy- I had to get a handle on some things and grant myself some self-worth, dammit. In a way, I needed to grant myself permission...

So, this fellow served as a catalyst of sorts = post-date, I was spurred into action! And in turn, the confrontation helped to prepare me for my first date to come, August 21st, 2004, with mah honey-man. Had I not first gone through the refiner's fire in the month after meeting both him and 'my catalyst,' I surely would have rejected my honey-man once given the chance; our first date would have been our last. The very day I had met my honey-man, despite aching smiley muscles and my heart all a flutter, I had tried to dismiss him by that day's end... Thankfully, my honey-man was patient and persistent. And by the time we had our first date, I was ready.

I imagine 'my catalyst' is somewhere in D.C. right now, and I'm sure he's absolutely clueless as to how his open honesty and kind patience provoked such a profound inner-change in me; a change that has enabled me to accept the good, revitalize my courage, and most importantly, open my eyes and see myself as I am and my own potential within = renewed resolved to take control of my life.

I had written that fellow an email of gratitude, but feel I could never really explain to him the role he had inadvertently played ~ so I want to thank him again, hoping he'll better understand how a person can affect another, just by their example; Neil, thank you for your example ~ and again, I will never forget your rendition of "Home Means Nevada." All the best to you!