Our Lil' Buckaroo in the Oven

Over the Labor Day weekend, we went camping with the angel boy-O and his mommie, Wendy, and her lovin'-man in the Los Padres National Forest near Santa Barbara...

We spent part of our Sunday not around our campsite, but a place called Solvang in the Santa Ynez valley. Solvang is essentially a delightfully dutch themed tourist trap! For our time in Solvang, we did so many funny lil' things that stand out in my memory - - like cafe hop from one place to another, to another, and back to the second choice... and Solvang's Scandinavian shoe shop... and Mmmm... Aebelskivers with raspberry sauce (Arne's featured HERE)!

There were also loads of gift shops full of kitchy, strange who-ever-buys-this kind of stuff... and also lots of cool, crafty, stylish how-could-I-justify-buying-this kind of stuff. There were LOTS of children's shops too... Wendy saw this lil' number in a shop window and she went nuts! See, we think my honey-man was maybe a cowboy in a former life... On n' off for over the last year, depending how busy his work gets, he exercises horses a couple times a week at a local horse ranch. Yup, my honey-man, he LOVES dah horseys, and dreams of someday owning some equestrian zoned property in northern UT.

So yeah, when Wendy saw this, the two of us went searching inside the store, and once found, she said she just had to get it (and it is perfect!):

That's a pair of ears and a horsey mane on the hood there!

There are more horsey-shoe prints across the back, plus a row of fringe across the shoulders.

WAY CUTE ~ Thanks again, Wendy!

Officially Excited 'Bout Zee Baybee

Will post baby news later 2nite!
--- Okay, it's not Sunday night, I know, it's Monday afternoon (I got too pooped to post last night!)...

But here's the latest news: I'm 13 weeks along (that's a lil' more than 3 months) and we now have ourselves a little 'jalapeno' measuring about 3 inches long already!?! In five more weeks, we'll get to find out if it's a girlie or a boy-O.

Annnd... while at my ob appointment last Friday, I had told my doc how I'd gotten a lil' nervous that last Monday about my not feeling terribly pregnant in the last few weeks, other than my nightly bloating and my generally exhausted state, still concerned that I haven't had any morning sickness at all?!? I confessed to him that I had actually taken another pregnancy test to sooth my growing doubt. Again, he told me to freakin' be happy about the no morning sickness, and he also told me that we're now at a point where I should just quit worrying about my being pregnant or not. He also said sure, we had a crappy start of it, "but your sonograms have looked good and all your hormonal levels are now perfect..." He then stopped listing off my reasons to relax, smiled real big and asked, "Why don't we just put this to rest right now, shall we?" From that point, he both brought out a Doppler machine and had my tummy gelled in less than 10 seconds, and told me we were going to find and hear the baby's heartbeat right now. With the thing on, he began to move it here and there across my lower abdomen, lingering a lil' here and there, hearing nothing but static noises, all while he gazed up toward the ceiling, making oh-so subtle concentration faces... I began to worry that he wasn't finding it, and he knew this. He glanced down at me and gave me a HUGE smile, while moving his hand with the Doppler in one quick, fixed motion, and he simultaneously announced "Here it is" = and I heard it! -wah, wah, wah, wah, wah- Strong, fast, steady and REAL! I heard the baby's heartbeat!?!

I'm not sure why (haven't attempted to analyze it just yet - - too slap happy to care!), but the Doppler experience on Friday was far more convincing than my earlier sonograms. Hearing our baby's heartbeat, I was absolutely overcome with the reality that THERE IS SOMETHING -a baby- GROWING INSIDE OF ME! My throat tightened and I could barely breathe, I was so amazed... and totally vehclempted!

Ever since that Friday afternoon, it's been official: I'm excited now! No more distractions, no more holding off = I AM EXCITED!

We're having a baby!!! WOO-HOO!

Generating a Retelling

I'm realizing that I really want to write about and remember clearly what happened from the time we heard of Amber's death until the day I returned home to Vegas. But why?

That Sunday my mum's elder sister, who lives here in Vegas, was the one to reach me first on the phone after we'd returned from our weekend in LA for the angel boy-O's belated Burbank-held birthday party. Everyone had known we were to be returning from our weekend there, and no one had wanted to call us until they knew we were safely home. My Grandma Rae had left us a voicemail on our home answering machine, but we're notorious for not monitoring our messages (something we are now diligently working to improve each day). We hadn't gotten the message before my aunt Radeane called me. As soon as I heard her trembling voice, I knew it was all wrong...something was wrong... I braced myself, expecting to hear news that Grandma Rae was either already dead or deathly ill. "We've lost Amber," is what she told me, and my knees went out and I fell to the tile kitchen floor, almost hysterical, instantly, as Radeane began coaching me over the phone to please breathe, and my honey-man came running down the stairs.

At some point the following day, both my aunt and my honey-man had told me I could not go to the funeral, period. They said I wouldn't be able to go up there and take it easy and not try to do a million things, and they didn't want me to over do it and get sick or cause problems for the pregnancy. I was horrified at the thought of missing the funeral... They kept telling me they both couldn't trust that I would self-manage [I admit, at most times I'm prone to overdo it]. Maybe it was my many promises that I'd be good, or my convincing, exhaustive explanation that I knew well enough that I was not to go up there and babysit or clean house or go grocery shopping or run any errands at all, etc., etc., but I really think the two changed their minds when fat, heavy tears began to roll as I pleaded with them, "If I miss this, how will I be able to face Trevor the next time I see him?", followed by my repeatedly sobbing, "I need to be there. I have to be there for me. You can't not let me go." My aunt then changed her plans... she and I would fly to Salt Lake together the next day, Tuesday the 12th.

Thank you again (and again and again), Radeane, for making it possible for me to be there with you and our family.

What I knew is this much: In times of loss and deep heartache, those who make themselves available to each other, they grow closer together, and people can accomplish amazing and miraculous things when they come together in times of need, and I desperately, desperately did not want to miss that chance with my family.

So again, why write about all this? This experience thus far has been remarkable... remarkably painful, and yet remarkably inspiring; the things we all learned and what we're still learning, the things we all did and what all happened in the days following Amber's death; most importantly, ALL THE LOVE. And someday Amber's children, who most likely won't remember anything about the funeral, nor their sweet mommy, they'll want to know what happened. I'm certain they will have many verbal and possibly written accounts available to them... but for me and my mum, specifically referring to the time before and after her funerals (one in MT, another in ID), although I was 12 years old, I was incapable of retaining a full, accurate account of what went on during that time, and if anyone wrote it down, I haven't yet seen it. And as for my talking to or asking people about my mother's death? Not many have ever wanted to actually retell the story. For me though, any retelling has helped me immensely. Even pictures taken days after the funeral at the cemetery grounds when we were checking on my mum's funeral flowers in the snow (who took the photos, to this day I still don't know - - I found them hidden in an old hardwood writing desk of my mother's, stashed in my parents' basement storage room years later), those pictures were helpful to me, even therapeutic for me, seeing I had been surrounded by people who loved me and I looked like I would be okay.

I'm hoping I may someday be someone who could help Trevor and Amber's children piece together what all happened and possibly someday provide them some comfort - - I even took pictures throughout that week, hoping that someday, if they or anyone wants to see them, they'll be able to see all the love and the life force that went into caring for them and their dear father after losing their precious mother, Amber Ellen Ward Jacobson.

Losing Amber

The song "Breath Me" by Sia keeps playing over and over in my head... When the 2008 Summer Olympic Games began, VISA began running a particular commercial on TV and the background music really caught my attention. I had to find out what it was (the ad kept making me cry every time too... sooo hormonal). I found out who the song was from on the very night we found out about Amber, about an hour before we heard the news... and ever since, it's amazing how much this song speaks to me as to how Amber may have been feeling in the her last few months, every time she had to suffer through a rise and fall.

Here are some of the lyrics that seem most applicable with Amber in my mind, when I listen to this song...

...I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Beyond the heavy pains of grief and loss that he must deal with, my cousin Trevor has an overwhelming financial load that threatens to stop him in his tracks, with funeral costs and massive medical bills from before Amber's death, and now childcare expenses for two ahead of him.

Again, if you feel you'd like to help Trevor and his two young children through this devastating loss, you can donate for their family by either making a visit to your local Wells Fargo Banking Center or go online to 'Wells Fargo Online' to make a 'Transfer to Another Customer'. The account number is 8888362459 (routing #12105278), called the 'Amber Jacobson Memorial Fund' in the name of Jeremy Wright (the administrator of the trust).

Thank you much.

Tripping Over My Own Feet

My honey-man reminded this morning that I need to tone down the complaining and be grateful that I've had ZERO episodes of morning sickness thus far [SIDE NOTE: I'm really NOT complaining though . . . I'm just soooo flabbergasted all the time as to how tired I am. I had NO IDEA I would be this tired ALL THE TIME!?!]. My honey-man laughs at me (I don't blame him - - I laugh too), as he watches me practically trip up the stairs at night. So yeah, no morning sickness as of yet (YAY!) and I'm just 11 (or is it 12?) weeks along today.

A few definite discoveries have been made though:

1- I do not like chicken anymore. I don't know what it is exactly (although texture does seem to be the issue), but unless it's my cousin Emmett's jerk chicken recipe -totally moist and flavor loaded- I just can't get it down.
2- The smell of coffee is absolutely horrid; it's enough to make me hurl.
3- The smell of Berry Omega Odwalla bars totally makes me gag.
4- And as if it hadn't been bad enough before, the smell of mildew now makes me dry heave.
5- My sense of smell in general has tripled, or possibly quadrupled, in strength (and it was already strong).
6- Toothpaste, whether minty or cinnamon is really gross (I'd really hoped the cinnamon would work).
7- By 8pm, I feel absolutely bloated each and every day.
8- I feel like a nuclear reactor at night and my honey-man can feel the heat radiate from me.
9- I get up each night at least twice (4 times last night) to empty my bladder, usually 'round 12:30 am and 4 am, just like clockwork.
10- Otherwise, I'm doin' real good physically!

Bit Puzzled: What Else Does a 'Tragic Loss' Mean?

I wrote the post below last Friday... and then I didn't post it. Over the weekend, I've come to realize there are a number of people in my professional circle and beyond who have not experienced a death in their own family, nor amongst their friends. How is one to know how to respond to hearing the news of a death, regardless of their experience or a lack thereof? Amber's own family hadn't ever been to a funeral.

And in today's world, where everyday TV shows and movies make obscene gobs and gobs of money via stories featuring violence and murder, desensitizing us to the concepts of death and the dying, how are we to react when we encounter the real thing? Who am I to judge how people react to such news? Having now said this much, I'll share what I had written... but in the end, please remember my realizations...

FOREWARNING: This one's a lil' critical/angry.

The last couple months have honestly been a collective gamut of shit bag emotions. Ever since June 29th, life has been throwing us for loops, one week after another. Nonetheless, through it all I am most grateful for my honey-man, the angel boy-O, my friends and my loving family, and all else that we are blessed with. But without re-listing the laundry list of all that's gone wrong the last couple months, cuz that's not the point, I'll cut to the chase...

Since June 29th, I have missed nearly 5 weeks of work and I've learned in the since my 3 days back at work that many here have assumed it's been my back causing me problems all this time. Dozens have come to my office and they tell me they're glad to see me, and then several have asked how my back is and I say, "It's fine, thanks," but then they don't just get back to business... they either stand there waiting for me to offer an explanation of my absence from work or they explicitly press for more information. Now, I can understand this, whether it's coming from someone who knows me a lil' more personally than others or not; they want to know where I've been.

The first day back to work though, feeling terribly emotionally raw, whenever pressed for more information or met with a blank look, waiting for more info., I'd go ahead and share that we've had a tragic loss in our family. The variations in response to hearing my telling this has been outright puzzling. What else could a 'tragic loss' mean other than to say someone has died? Some have only stared back at me, expressionless, almost as if unimpressed, eyes blinking, ZERO signs of comprehension -- and it's not as if they're at a loss for words; they honestly seem unimpressed. And with a few I've encountered, unless I go on to explain in some kind of detail what had happened, they stand there and offer nothing remotely resembling sincere condolences.

When someone tells you there's been a tragic loss in their family, shouldn't those words immediately speak for themselves, requiring a sympathetic response? (shaking my head)

This Ache

The last 2 weeks have been so painful. I don't remember my mother's own funerals having been as acutely painful as this all has been. [SIDE NOTE: Yes, we had two funerals; one in SLC, UT and the other in Bear Lake, ID. At each service, the overfill for each meeting hall was used and some people had to stand.]

When my mother died, I felt numb and I generally operated in a dazed state of disbelief for the first two weeks after. Many who had been around me the week after my mother's death have told me that I seemed subdued, but unaffected. Very few people ever saw me cry. Many have told me they were either confused or disturbed by my lack of emotion at that time.

My most prominent memory of my mother's funerals is my knowing that all eyes were on me. I felt like I was under the microscope. People were constantly around me, constantly talking about me in the third person as if I wasn't sitting right there. And if anyone spoke to me, it all sounded the same... how sad they were for me and my father. Strangely, it was infuriating. And something that stands out in my memory most is the impression that everyone knew she was to die - - everyone had known but me it seemed.

With Amber, it wasn't like we experienced a known period of time leading up to an inevitable death, like someone battling a severe case of late-stage cancer. Nor did Amber have some long-had illness since childhood with no known cure that was bound to eventually take her life. There was no freak accident of misfortune. No drunk driver had taken her out; someone whom we could blame for their reckless disregard for others' lives. There are a number of theories as to where things went wrong and when it first began, but simply put, Amber got sick and spiraled downward in less than 9 months' time. In the last 6 months, so much was done to help her and nothing worked. Amber apparently decided she'd run out of options, and she decided we would be better off without her... In her last 3 months though, we'd already lost her. She was so severely ill, she was almost unrecognizable. I can see why she did what she did - - I don't blame Amber. I just wish she hadn't ever gotten sick.

For nearly eight and a half years spent with our family and her Trev, Amber had been a gorgeous, vibrant personality, full of spunk and a glowing passion and TONS of love. Her enthusiasm for life was absolutely infectious and you couldn't help but feel inspired by her joy for life. For her to have died in this way, to have fallen ill in this way in such an aggressive manner and so quickly, I feel like we have all been robbed and there's no one to blame... not that finding blame would make any of this easier in any way. I still can't believe she's gone.

I'm older now and I can remember the aftermath of my mother's death clearly and I understand the various and complicated dynamics involved in the months and years following my mother's death. It all has given me the chance to offer my cousin, Trevor, the kind of advice no one had given me or my father in our time of loss. Although my time up north for Amber's funeral and the time after with my family was terribly painful, I'm grateful I could be there. I don't know what more to say.

A Most Tragic Loss for Our Family

My cousin Trevor has lost his wife, Amber. She had been struggling with severe postpartum depression that had developed over time into full-blown bipolar disorder. Although she had been placed upon a medication regimen and had been hospitalized several times, she was still experiencing extreme dips on a cyclical basis each month. She was admittedly suicidal for the last 3 months, and although she has been surrounded by caring loved ones concerned for her health and safety, she succeeded in ending her own life yesterday morning.

Understandably, our entire family and all those who loved Amber so dearly, we are all reeling with pain and deep sadness due to this sudden and heart wrenching loss. Please say a prayer for Amber's families and her dear husband and their two young children, 3 yrs and 8 months old, and 13 months old.

(click image to enlarge)

If you feel you would like to offer help to Trevor and his children, you can donate to their family by either making a visit to your local Wells Fargo Banking Center or go online to 'Wells Fargo Online' to make a 'Transfer to Another Customer'. The account number is 8888362459 (routing #12105278), and is under the name of the 'Amber Jacobson Memorial Fund.'

Photo taken in Bear Lake, Idaho - June 20th, 2008

I'sah Gummi Bear Hostess

To left is the bummy end, the head to the right...

We now have a "gummi bear" (measures 1.6 cm, almost 1.7 cm) as the sonogram tech had put it so sweetly. Sooo, we still have what literally looks like a viable pregnancy. In 15 minutes I'll be leaving with my honey-man for a consult with my OB to discuss this latest sonogram and last week's biopsy and blood work. So, we'll hopefully know more in a matter of a couple hours!

*UPDATE* My biopsy results were of 'moderate' risk, versus the 'high to severe' risk as previously found by my last PAP. So moderate is better than high, however, if I weren't pregnant, they would be shaving my cervix and freezing my uterus lining... but I AM pregnant, sooo instead, they'll be watching me like a hawk for the next several months. For now, the plan is simply to have another colposcopy four weeks from now. As for my blood work, my HCG levels are exactly where they should be, remarkably enough. My progesterone levels are lil' low though... not super low, but not where they need to be. They want a '15' and I have an '11.5,' so they've put me on a progesterone prescription that I'll take for at least a month to prevent miscarriage. They've also decided that I'll be on Macrobid antibiotics for the duration of my pregnancy in order to avoid another kidney infection, since the first gave us no clues to its existence until it was full blown and already septic. One more thing: Once I'm at 4 months (that's 2 months from now), I'll be referred to a perinatologist (a high risk obstetrician) because they have access to crazy-good sonogram machines and equipment for testing and various other resources a regular doc doesn't have. They want to be certain our gummi bear is developing as it should, so I guess that's all good. Thanks again to everyone for their prayers and enthusiasm.

Not Exactly 'Glowing'

So that gorgeous, healthy glow pregnant women have about them? Did you know there's an explanation for it? Well, among other various reasons, it's primarily due to an increased production of oil from one's skin glands. Now, what does this mean for me, exactly? Am I just glowing now?

Well, since childhood, I have always had really, REALLY oily skin. Most who know me have at some point observed my long-held habit of blotting my face upon tissues, pieces of paper and occasionally, in desperate moments, my own forearms and the backs of my hands (gross, I know). In fact, my father will periodically offer me a heartfelt apology based upon his own random observations of just how uber oily my skin is, which I apparently inherited from him. [SEMI-RELATED TANGENT: My father will also periodically offer me an apology for my having uber thick ankles and knees, which I also inherited from him. END OF TANGENT]
So the point is this: I already have oily skin and always have. And so how 'bout now?

OH. MY. GOODNESS. I AM SOOOO GREEZEY NOW, I do not know what to do with myself!?! There's no 'glow' goin' here folks - - there's just a greasy shine! And it now involves not just my face and scalp, but my chest, back, shoulders and midrift. If I could get away with it, I'd shower twice a day... but if there's something years of trying to de-grease have taught me, it is this: The more I shower, the greasier the greasy areas are, and the drier and itchier the usually dry areas are.

I'd actually been thinking now would be a great time to start growing my hair out, but as it's gotten longer over the last month without my cutting it, it's hung around my face and it gets greezey from my greezey face!?!

So, um, I guess now is NOT the time to try growing my hair out...

Ya Know Yer a Lil' Hormonal When... #1

...I open the dryer and the first item I pull out is a short-sleeved plaid shirt of my honey-man's that he looks quite handsome in, that I'd bought him for his birthday earlier this year, and I imagine him in this shirt and just how handsome he is in it and in general, and I think of how sweet he is, and how much I love him, and I promptly burst into tears!

Thank Heavens for Health Insurance

Last Friday, I saw my OBGYN for a colposcopy. No shaving of the cervix was done at that time - - instead, my OB took a long look via the "ZoomScope" and just a shallow surface biopsy was taken and some blood work to check my HCG hormone level and my progesterone level. I have another sonogram this Thursday to check the progress of the fetus, the results of which will be discussed with my OB this coming Friday, along with the pathology report for the biopsy taken and the blood work done. Soooo, we don't know anything more than we did last Wednesday. I did begin spotting yesterday and today though. I feel icky... and really tired and a bit nervous. It could just be remnant bleeding from the biopsy though - - I hope!

Oh yeah, and the doc also said I'm anemic = this is not a surprise. I've had chronic issues with anemia and low B-vitamin levels since I was a teen. Sooo, I'm taking an iron supplement now, along with my prenatal vitamin, a B-complex and an extra calcium supplement. Two weeks ago, my prenatal vitamin and the smells of coffee and onions were provoking a lot of nausea, but I haven't felt nauseous at all since I left the hospital! I said something to my OB about this last Wednesday and he laughed at me, "Are you complaining?"

Speaking of my hospital stay, we receiving my billing statement in the mail: $25,005 smackeroos!

$331 for diagnostic radiology; $867 for an ultrasound; $2,128 for my time in the ER; $5,620 for pharmaceuticals; $7,920 for 6-days' stay in a private hospital room (I spent my 1st night in the ER and my first day in a 'day room' at the end of the hospital floor's east hallway); and $8,139 for clinical laboratory work

And all I can really say about all that is I AM SO FREAKIN' GRATEFUL TO HAVE A GOOD JOB THAT PROVIDES ME MORE THAN ADEQUATE HEALTH INSURANCE!

P.S. Here's something semi-amusing/maddening though: My entire hospital bill is itemized to the finest detail. I find it fascinating to discover I was charged $4 for each and every dose of Tylenol given to me. Now, I was given Tylenol sixteen times = that's $64 for Tylenol?!?

Right Here, Right Now

I had my long awaited sonogram yesterday morning and the results were really REALLY unexpected! I've been a bit dumbfounded by it all (still am), so it took me a while to come here to update...

Rather than blather on about how it all started and what happened blow by blow, like what I was thinking and how I felt and what the sonogram tech said and did, and this and that... Let's cut to the chase: We have a peanut sized fetus with a very strong, very normal, very on target visible heartbeat, a formed spine and 4 tinsy lil' nubbins for beginning limbs. It's size/length and my amniotic fluid volume are all to chart for how far along I am, which is 7 weeks and 2 days... and my due date is St. Paddy's Day.

Despite this unexpected discovery, with such a crazy and stressed start, we're reasonably weary as to what this all means. The day before yesterday though, my honey-man had given me a fabulous pep talk to help me with my state of limbo (he gives such guhoood, calming, grounding pep talks): He told me I should focus upon what I know right now, rather than worry about what I don't know, what I think may happen or what could happen... I know that I am pregnant (hadn't miscarried as expected) and I should focus upon doing what I should knowing that much. Since that pep talk, my mood elevated and I refocused my energy in a more positive direction, focusing upon right now and what I can do right now.

I'll still be meeting with my OB this Friday for a colposcopy to determine if I'm in any real trouble in that regard. I've already been forewarned that if my colposcopy does not clear out the abnormal cells found, my health will come before the pregnancy, and we understand this. I will also get to hear tomorrow what my OB thinks about my sonogram results.

But for right now? I'm totally focusing upon getting better, feeling better and taking care of myself, my family and my peanut. If we get as far as the next sonogram at 18 weeks along, the development of the fetus will be closely scrutinized, as is typical, but some extra tests may be done to determine more conclusively if every thing's normal. However, I will not be living for that benchmark... I'll be living for today, right now.

Thank you again to everyone for their sweet well wishes and support ~

Emotional & Hormonal Limbo

I've been staying home from work this week, considering I'm still on antibiotics for my blood infection and I have an annoying, non-productive viral cough that won't quit. I haven't had anymore fevers, but I can't do much without becoming easily exhausted. Yesterday, I slept from 9:30am until 3pm, and I still managed to go to bed 'round 11pm.

After coming home from the hospital, we discovered we'd left my one and only cell phone charger in my hospital room, which lost n' found said they did not ever find - ??? After having my cell off since Friday, I finally ventured out late last night to our nearby Target to buy a new cell charger. Upon returning to my car to head home, I opened my new charger and plugged in my cell, aiming to call my honey-man, and I discovered I'd missed nearly two dozen calls... and I felt myself swell with anxiety.

There's still a lot of people who don't know what's gone on in the last couple weeks, and telling and retelling my story over and over has begun to take it's toll emotionally, especially when my story has yet to reach any final resolve.

Although I'm thankful for everyone's caring concern, and I'm certainly thankful to be out of the hospital, relieved and thankful that my infection did not escalated any further, I now don't know what more to hope for - - I'm still pregnant and there's been no signs of the predicted miscarriage to come, yet I'm no longer 'feeling pregnant'... my nausea is gone, the headaches are gone, and the generally 'swollen' feeling seems to be over.

I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I'm totally in limbo. I should know more by tomorrow afternoon, but the waiting has been like slow torture. So yeah, that's how I am right now.

Where Did the Last 3 Weeks Go?

I'm home now. I was discharged from the hospital late last night and I've already managed to take two showers. I am happy to finally be home, but it feels awfully surreal. The last 3 weeks are pretty much a blur, this last week having been the fastest streaking fly by this year yet. So far, I feel a little dizzy here and there when I stand, and this morning I found myself in a drippy sweat with little to no effort, simply trying to wipe down the kitchen counters?!? So although I'm home, I'm feeling rather fragile, both physically and emotionally. If anyone were to yell "BOO," I'd probably burst into tears.

I'll be on a potent antibiotic for the next 12 days. And this next week will be a doozey too - -

But let me tell ya, after all this, what sits most prominently crystal in my mind? I've got some pretty devoted friends and family - - I had to recharge my cell phone almost every day, and I swear I had the sweetest smelling room in the entire hospital! The nurses told me so! And now our home is now flooded with the smell of lilies and lavender.

I feel very loved and I feel very fortunate to be so well loved. Thank you to everyone for their sweet get-well wishes and for all the good-healing vibes sent my way! Thank you.

via the 'Getwell:)Network' Part II

So, there's more to this story and we've decided it should be shared - - too keep it in, it hurts too much...

Friday, July 10th, I took a home pregnancy test and the 'positive result line' appeared instantly. My visit to the E.R. was just a week after our surprising discovery - - sure, we'd been trying to get pregnant, but this was really our first time going by the dates and timing it all out, and well, we just were not expecting it to have worked our first time trying to really get pregnant. We were honestly expecting months of trying far ahead of us.

To date, I'm nearly 5 weeks along, having spent nearly the entirety of that nearly 5th week in the hospital. Because I'm pregnant, a lot of things that could have been done if otherwise, were not done. I found out yesterday, as we'd suspected, that since this all began, my HCG hormone levels have not been doubling as they should. By now, I should be approaching 6-digits, but I'm still under 10K, tested as 7800 last Thursday. There could be a lot of reasons for this considering lower back x-rays on July 3rd, and 5 days of muscle relaxers and pain killers, but it's believed that the last week's worth of high fevers (103.8 on Monday) have taken their toll upon this pregnancy. What all this means is that I do not have a healthy pregnancy and that unless something totally, absolutely, outrageously miraculous occurs very soon, I'll be having a miscarriage in the next week or so.

I have another sonogram scheduled for next Wednesday so we can see if the amniotic sac is still attached, etc. etc., but because of a high risk abnormal PAP result from July 8th, my doctor wants me in on August 1st for a colposcopy (my 2nd) and biopsies. If I have not miscarried by August 1st, and if my HCG levels have not miraculously bounced into a high gear between now and then, we'll be doing a DNC to end the pregnancy. Intellectually, I know this would be the best thing to do...

I know a lot of women who have miscarried, and I know it's a really common thing. For those who lose a pregnancy to miscarriage really late in the first trimester or early 2nd trimester, I have always felt great sympathy, after they've had time to really get excited, to have shared their news and imagined their baby to be. [NOTE OF CLARIFICATION: I've always believed that unless there's extenuating circumstances involved, losing a pregnancy is nothing short of tragic.] Anytime I'd hear about an early miscarriage though, like anything under 12 weeks, although I knew I was in no position to judge how emotionally some would respond to such an early loss, I always found myself feeling as though I clearly didn't understanding how upsetting it obviously was, thinking foremost that at least it had happened early if it had to happen... I would offer my heartfelt sympathy, seeing their pain, but I did not understand it - - I could not truly fathom it.

It hasn't even happened yet and I feel nothing short of 'devastated.'

via the 'Getwell:)Network'

I'm typing from my 5-days-stay hospital room right now using a wireless keyboard, typing with a bum right hand that's stuck with a fat IV, so this'll have to be brief. BTW, this is the first time I've been online since last Thursday morning, so sorry if anyone's thought I'm ignoring 'em... I also haven't watched a lick of TV either, so I have no idea what the latest news may be. [SEMI-RELATED TANGENT: I've decided that even if I can find something I do like on TV (Discovery Channel, History Channel, Animal Planet, TLC, and HG TV), I really abhor the constant commercial interruptions enough that I'd rather not watch TV at all.]

THE MINIMUM BASICS: I had major shakes and sweats at work on Thursday morning, July 17th and my honey-man took me to a local urgent care center by 9:30am. BE FOREWARNED: TOO MUCH INFO. COMIN' RIGHT UP! My urine sample came out looking like organic cranberry juice... the kind you can't see through. It was a brand new development and shocked the hell outta me = I cried for at least 10 minutes straight. Lots of blood work was taken, lots of scans were done, I had a temperature of 100.8 and was told that if it went up, or if my pain increased, I had to see a local E.R.. and my honey-man and I were sent home from urgent care 'round 4pm.

Without detailing the inaccurate readings of our faulty home digital thermometer (topped out at 103.3 while waiting for Triage!?), my temp rose and we were off to the E.R. at 8pm. To make a long night at the E.R. super, super short, we didn't leave until 3:30am - - I was then admitted to a hospital bed and my honey-man went home at 4am.

To date. without listing all the details, the final short of it is this: The docs believe ('believe', meaning they really don't know for sure) that I had a low grade undetected bladder infection that moved into my left kidney. On Sunday, July 20th at 3:15pm, my pee cleared to yellow, but today, after throwing up several times and going through crazy sweating shakes and a 103.8 fever spike yesterday, they've determined that my infection has gone systemic to my bloodstream. They've changed and doubled the strength of my IV antibiotics and I've been told that I won't go home until I've been fever-free for at least 48 hours. Today and last night were my best yet, but my fever hasn't gone below 99.7, so wish me luck!

Oh and here's my needle-sticking count thus far: Right arm: 1 blown out vein from 1st IV attempt in the ER; my current IV; and 7 different blood draws. Left arm: First IV I'd had for 4 days; and 10 different blood draws. Now if we were counting how many blood viles? Man, I couldn't even attempt to determine that number. Today alone? ELEVEN VILES OF BLOOD DRAWN... and more, I'm told, in the coming hour.

Send me good healing vibes - and thanks!

P.S. I'm not sure if/when I may be online again and I can't fathom my Inbox right now, so don't count on that... Typing this post has been exhausting, so this will have to be it for the time being.

Two Good To Be True

Okay, so I got adjusted yesterday and felt ahhhlmost blissful (compared to the last 2 weeks) for the length of TWO hours... and then I was 'back' to having lower back muscle cramps and sharp rib pain on my left side by simply inhaling. Kind of a drag, considering I gotta breathe. So yeah, I'm 'back' to work today, but fearful that any attempt to do anything more than sit looking straight at my computer will cause a nyce, new muscle spasm to last the rest of this week. I'm tellin' ya, this has been great stuff, OHHHH yeah! (followed by a huge bottom-lip-out-pout on my face)

Adjusted and Happy For Now

I went to a chiropractor today after having thrown my back out on June 29th and twisting it again while swimming yesterday... and now? I ahhlmost feel like a new woman! The most surprising thing today was to find out I had this extremely knotted muscle cluster across and beneath my left shoulder blade (my rhomboid and trapezius? and one other muscle name, I can't remember) that were apparently helping to cause me a few complications, some of which I've been potentially dealing with for years (that's another long story), explaining the way I sit straight and the chronic numbness and tingling I experience on the left side of my torso and neck. And there's a bunch more chiropractic this and that I was told, all of which I can't explain well without mixing it all up, but the short of it? I was impressed with this doc and I'm hopeful that this adjustment will help me out. I have a follow-up appt. next week - - fingers crossed! Wish me luck! I have a follow-up next week. We'll see where I am by then!

Throw it Long & Hard

...good advice for any ball play (think sports, people), but not the best recommendation when it comes to one's back!

Last weekend, I threw my back out and I would up missing work this entire week. How did it happen? It's really such a totally lame story. *sigh*

My lame story (WARNING: You DO NOT need to read this!): For the last few weeks, my lower back had been bothering me, forcing me to almost always sit straight at attention on either the edge of my seat or sit cross legged on the floor, pinching and seizing here and there, makin' me feel generally old and really outta shape (that latter point has just been my reality for some time now). Well, last Saturday night, I'd refilled our 1.5 gallon Pur water filter dispenser and with it full to the brim, I'd opened the fridge and bent forward to stash it in its usual spot. However, there was this large bag of Idaho potatoes that had tipped over, well in the way of the dispenser's usual spot. [SIDE NOTE: Yes, a 15-lb bag of potatoes is ridiculously large for a 3-person household! yes, I know sweetness, I know now! I won't buy another one ever again (at least not until we have a couple more family members added to our lot ~ hee hee).] I''d asked my honey-man to please help me move the blasted bag of potatoes (he was standing right there), and when he squeezed in beside me to do so, I twisted myself out of the way, still bent over while holding the dispenser and WHOA! Did I twist the wrong way! Big pain crunching lower back pinch! - - not yet thrown out altogether, but on it's way... After the water dispenser incident, I was purty stiff, unable to turn at the waist or bend over deeply, slow to get in and out of bed and on and off the couch with extra care.

The next day, after the angel boy-O's mommie and step-daddy-O, had left and had made it back to California, my honey-man and the angel boy-O had gone swimming together and I was left to carefully tidy up 'round the house.

BACKGROUND INFO: We'd had a birthday dinner, all of us together for the angel boy-O and his step-daddy-O, who share the same birthday date that would come later in the following week (this week). We'd given both of them their birthday gifts that night, and for the angel boy-O's step-daddy-O, who we'll now refer to as 'Randall,' we'd actually ordered his birthday gift online to be shipped to Burbank, so we didn't have it with us to give to him directly. Instead, my honey-man cleverly designed a cool card featuring a picture of what he'd receive (two Playstation II cordless controllers), and he'd gift-wrapped the card in a heavily rock-filled box.

Okay, so this box we'd had filled with rocks to throw dear Randall off, it was left lying on the floor last Sunday, and not remembering the rocks were in the box, I bent over slightly to quickly pick up the box by a lid flap and waahlah! DOWN I WENT! I landed on my knees on the hard tile, back seizing. The rest of me then hit the floor, and writhing around, trying to find a position in which my back would quit KILLING ME. After what seemed WAY TOO LONG, I wound up lying in the fetal position on my right side, right arm extended out above my head, while I cried my eyes out. Both Otis and Owen had immediately ran over to investigate what all the fuss was about, sweetly meowing at me, "What the heck happened? why are you lying there? why are you crying?" Otis plopped down in front of me, sniffing my eyes and presenting his fuzzy tummy to cheer me up, and all I could do was lay there unable to move for about 10 minutes, before my honey-man and the angel boy-O came back from their swim.

Until yesterday, I couldn't sit up without having to hunch forward and couldn't even do that more than 5 minutes at a time, and today's the first day I've been able to prop up and lay back with the laptop, able to type two-handed... but I can't do it much longer. Only yesterday, I had to always have a hand free to keep myself propped up. Oh and on Wednesday, after I'd had the chance to shower, I noticed in the mirror that my torso doesn't sit straight on my hips... it's shifted about 2 inches to my right!? Totally freaks my honey-man out, big time.

So, over the last 4 days, not able to sleep all that well, unable to do just about anything, I've watched more cable TV than I have in the entire last year. Lots of HG TV and Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch. And it was either Tuesday or Wednesday, I watched VH1's Top 100 songs of the 90's, from #100, all the way down to #1... This, of course, made me feel like a total loser. The laying around doing absolutely nothing but vegging out has been driving me absolutely insane!!! Of course, at the same time, I'm most grateful I even have had the option of staying home without missing pay or the threat of losing my job! But man, the watching of TV has been maddening - - and trying to read? Hadn't been a successful effort until today...

Anywhooo, my lil' brother is here in town from Iowa, taking a break from all the mayhem caused by the flooding there. He arrived late last night and I haven't seen him yet and that's driving me crazy too! In the next hour, however, I should have some good meds to take, so I hope we won't have to abandon our 4th of July plans. More on that later... For now, though, my back is officially freakin' out some more, so I gotta stop this.