Wednesday, July 23, 2008

via the 'Getwell:)Network' Part II

So, there's more to this story and we've decided it should be shared - - too keep it in, it hurts too much...

Friday, July 10th, I took a home pregnancy test and the 'positive result line' appeared instantly. My visit to the E.R. was just a week after our surprising discovery - - sure, we'd been trying to get pregnant, but this was really our first time going by the dates and timing it all out, and well, we just were not expecting it to have worked our first time trying to really get pregnant. We were honestly expecting months of trying far ahead of us.

To date, I'm nearly 5 weeks along, having spent nearly the entirety of that nearly 5th week in the hospital. Because I'm pregnant, a lot of things that could have been done if otherwise, were not done. I found out yesterday, as we'd suspected, that since this all began, my HCG hormone levels have not been doubling as they should. By now, I should be approaching 6-digits, but I'm still under 10K, tested as 7800 last Thursday. There could be a lot of reasons for this considering lower back x-rays on July 3rd, and 5 days of muscle relaxers and pain killers, but it's believed that the last week's worth of high fevers (103.8 on Monday) have taken their toll upon this pregnancy. What all this means is that I do not have a healthy pregnancy and that unless something totally, absolutely, outrageously miraculous occurs very soon, I'll be having a miscarriage in the next week or so.

I have another sonogram scheduled for next Wednesday so we can see if the amniotic sac is still attached, etc. etc., but because of a high risk abnormal PAP result from July 8th, my doctor wants me in on August 1st for a colposcopy (my 2nd) and biopsies. If I have not miscarried by August 1st, and if my HCG levels have not miraculously bounced into a high gear between now and then, we'll be doing a DNC to end the pregnancy. Intellectually, I know this would be the best thing to do...

I know a lot of women who have miscarried, and I know it's a really common thing. For those who lose a pregnancy to miscarriage really late in the first trimester or early 2nd trimester, I have always felt great sympathy, after they've had time to really get excited, to have shared their news and imagined their baby to be. [NOTE OF CLARIFICATION: I've always believed that unless there's extenuating circumstances involved, losing a pregnancy is nothing short of tragic.] Anytime I'd hear about an early miscarriage though, like anything under 12 weeks, although I knew I was in no position to judge how emotionally some would respond to such an early loss, I always found myself feeling as though I clearly didn't understanding how upsetting it obviously was, thinking foremost that at least it had happened early if it had to happen... I would offer my heartfelt sympathy, seeing their pain, but I did not understand it - - I could not truly fathom it.

It hasn't even happened yet and I feel nothing short of 'devastated.'

13 comments:

John Hewitt said...

Came across your blog and spent some time, I am gonna send all the good vibes that I can, I will check back on you soon. I love the quote at the top of your blog. Take care, John in California

Susie said...

As you know, every time I pop over, I'm eagerly expecting to read that you're expecting. I am so sorry that the good news must be couched in anxiety and hurt. I do not, of course, know what will happen. But I do know that miraculous jumps in HCG have occurred. I am praying for the best possible outcome for you, your health, and many happy years of being a mom.
I have been where you are. And yes, it doesn't matter at what point in pregnancy miscarriage occurs. For those who wanted their babies (and even those who weren't sure), it's devastating.
Hugging you in my heart.

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Don't have any words in my little black bag that will make you feel better, so just sending a very careful but heartfelt hug your way.

torrie said...

You know that I understand. The excitement/hope starts the minute you get a positive result.
Nothing I can say will make it better, but know that you are not alone.

Sharkey said...

I've lurked here from time to time before, and Susie sent me your way today. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hoping for miracles all around. Take care--you're in my prayers.

Circus Kelli said...

Oh, honey... I'm so very sorry you and Honey-man are going through this. I'm praying for you, and thinking good thoughts for you and your family.

(( Hugs ))

Sheryl said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. I am still hoping for the best, hoping you and yours recover from this recent illness and pain, and that like Susie said, there is a miraculous jump in HCG levels, and maybe one or two other miracles.

Here's a long internet hug and much love, for you

sheryl

Nilbo said...

Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes things just suck, and there is no silver lining.

Hope you get well soon, darlin' ...

Allisone said...

Susie sent me too. Know that so many of us are thinking of you, praying for you, and sending comfort your way.

Hope and Hugs

Daly said...

I wish I could say something or do something to make this all better.

Just know I am here to do whatever you need. Kitty sit, get you some library books, burn you some tunes, and I'll always be here for the office if they need me.

My thoughts are with you and Honey-man for a miracle and your speedy recovery. Lots of hugs.

Poppstarr said...

Ang - I love you and your Honey-Man. I'm a quick phone call away if you or Honey-Man need anything - ANYTHING. You are in my constant prayers. I love you.

Poppy

von Krankipantzen said...

I am so sorry this is such a painful and uncertain time for you guys. You remain in my thoughts and I'll be sending good vibes.

xo

San said...

I am so sorry. Oh man. This is just too much at once.