Finding 'Home'

Hey there - - I'm still in L.A., and should be on my way back to Vegas by now... I have my fuzzy babies curled up with me on the couch; Otis to the left, seemingly glued to my left thigh, and Owen on my right, each paw barely touching me. I have a gone-stone-cold cup of coffee before me on the coffee table. My hair's still wet (it so does not ever airdry in a mere 30 minutes here, as it would in Vegas). I'm still wearing my slippers/indoor flip flops. My Nano is all charged and updated with my 2 new Jean Leloup albums, ready to hit the road. My things are all packed (kinda), most standing by the door, ready to be taken to my car... but I'm stalling.

It's our 2nd year anniversary today (since our 1st date). And over the last couple days in Montreal, my honey-man's acquired a cold bug. I don't want to leave him. I don't want to leave him alone, with no one to care for him while he's a sick-sicky... Whether it was August 21st or not, and whether my honey-man was ill or not though, I just don't want to leave him.

'Home' is a relative concept for most... For me, it's been where I feel most secure, and it's where I feel that I belong. Foremost, it's been wherever it is that I want to be. Ever since my mother died, I've felt dispossessed in more than one way... my sense of 'home' has never quite been recovered. For years, the closest I've ever felt 'at home' has been in Bear Lake, ID - - secure in my mother's family's love for me, in the stability and acceptance I find there. For now and for years, the physical addresses to which I receive my mail, where I house myself and my things have never quite provided me a real sense of home - - it has been unattainable thus far. I certainly don't yet feel at home in L.A. (honestly, I generally feel, uh, totally lost? like a total foreigner in this world of film and theatre and insane living costs, completely out of control and utterly insignificant), nor do I feel at home in Vegas much anymore, especially now, a guest in my aunt's home with no real place of my own. Regardless, I do know where I want to be - - and that's with my honey-man. My want to be where he is has grown stronger and stronger since the day we first met, over 2 years ago, July 18th, 2004. And since our 1st date, 2 years ago today, I've been utterly doomed (to live in L.A.); my want to be where he is has finally grown stronger than my dislike for L.A...

He is my home.