BE FOREWARNED: This one is absolutely ZERO fun = proceed with a great deal of caution.
I began writing this around 1pm, over my non-existent lunch break: Having welcomed the New Year -despite how the rest of this may sound quite contrary to the concept of 'welcoming'- there's been a lot of soul searching goin' on and it's tough stuff, I tell ya - - *sigh*
Reflecting on 2006 and the general past [SERIOUS NOTE TO SELF: I'm sure I do the latter far, far too much than is healthy and I should consider toning it down in 2007 and thereafter.], I've been considering the future of 2007 and beyond... And I haven't been blogging all that much in the last few weeks because I haven't been so sure I can come up with anything real chipper to write about, as though any effort would be a false one, and it's only gotten worse since this past New Year's Eve day... I've found myself operating in a gloomy fog of painful recollection and the contemplation of several potential life scenarios, often wallowing in a kind of aching uncertainty caused by the consideration of unknown consequences ahead; a general practice that can overshadow any one's life in an extremely negative way.
Don't get me wrong: I know life -my life- is good - - just the past week, we had the angel boy-O skiing with us in Keystone with my Iowa clan, and it was the boy-O's first ski trip evah and he did soooo well!?! And it was such a fantastic time! as was my birthday! AND it was the first time we had the boy-O on my birthday! And I love mah honey-man and I love the angel boy-O, and I have a fantastic family and fabulous friends, and I enjoy so much good fortune in my life; I know all this, but there were times in the past few weeks when I could not muster even a strained smile. Nope, it's not depression... more possibly an unhealthy fixation, but not depression. Unfortunately, it's simply reality based, which makes it more difficult to overcome.
It got worse when... We were at Sunday brunch the morning of the 31st, enjoying some limited, yet precious time with a few of my father's family, including my father's parents. My cell phone rang and I saw on the caller ID that it was one of my mum's sisters. Immediately, I expected some New Year's enthusiasm and best-wishes, but instead, within a couple minutes, I felt all the warmth retreating from my limbs and my eyes welled up with fat tears. No one at the brunch table knew yet what I'd been told, but the angel boy-O knew something was terribly wrong and did his best -bless his sweet lil' loving spirit!- and seeing me cry, he leaned into me and drew his lil' arms around me and hugged and hugged and hugged me some more, and continued to do so even after I got off the phone.
My cousin Emmett's sweet step-mum died unexpectedly of kidney and liver failure after battling breast cancer for 5 years. The last I had known though, Denise was happily floating along in remission - - I hadn't heard that earlier in the year, a series of tests had shown severe results. Many of us had not realized she was so sick, as she hadn't wanted to make a big deal of it...
After ending the call and then having to explain the dreadful news to a large table of concerned family members, our food arrived, the conversation topic quickly shifted, changed and changed again and again, and for the rest of the day, going from one visit stop to another, I found myself spacing off here and there. I kept visualizing an unpleasant image in my mind that wouldn't leave me... It was a tallied count of our families' tragedies - -
Losses to Cancer: FIVE
My mum, age 33
Both of my step-mum's own parents, age 49 and age 60
Uncle B, age 61
and now my cousin's step-mum, age 56
Auto Fatalities: TWO
My father's youngest brother, age 18
My step-mum's oldest lil' brother, age 21
ON THE FLIPSIDE ~ Of course, I've since realized there's another kind of family tally to consider; the one to better focus upon, if I'm to focus at all upon any such a list:
Cancer Survivors: TWO
My cousin Emmett's own father
Aunt Peggy
Total-Loss Auto Accident Survivors in just the last 3 months of 2006: EIGHT!!!
My Gpa Billy, rear-ended 2 different times, the 2nd time caused by a drunk driver;
My unca Glen, stopped alongside the hwy shoulder, clipped by a inattentive speeding semi-truck;
My cousin Lara's hubby, Adam, lost control driving on black ice;
My aunt Hayley, multiple car accident;
Myself, my Grams, my cousin Tyler's wife, Brianna and their 2 yr old son, hitting a cow!
Total-Loss Auto Accident Survivors before 2006: FIFTEEN!!!
Uncle Randall
Aunt Radeane, more than once
Aunt Brenda, more than once
Gpa Billy, Unca Jamey and my Aunt Sarah
Cousin Jason
Cousin Emmett
7 different Jacobson cousins
And I'm sure there are some other severe car accidents of the past that I've either missed or forgotten...
Soooo many what if's: We've had a lot of close calls in my family -close encounters of all kinds- beyond cancer and car accidents, and overall, we've been super lucky, considering all the number of times we could have met the very worst. What the hell is my point here?
I guess the point is this: I know from direct experience that bad things happen and that one strike doesn't take anyone off the hit list, so to speak, and that's the truth - - once is never 'enough' and there is no safe list. And so now what? Yeah, I've known all this stuff already for some time now - why revisit this issue now? Why dwell on it at all? You can't tip toe through life, watching and waiting for something to go wrong, right?
I feel so unprepared, if we were to receive another heavy blow.
More rambling about chance tragedy: This past Saturday, we were headed home from Keystone, and had come to a point where we were traveling on a fairly twisty portion of hwy 70 in southern Utah, only a few miles before hitting the southbound I-15. The sun was nearly down and I was the one driving. We had passed several stretches of open range territory earlier in the day, where cattle -and black cows- could be seen grazing near fence lines running parallel to the road. Proud of myself, I had remained perfectly calm and unaffected until night fell... It was then that I began to stress out, even though we were well beyond any open range area. I found myself watching for retinal reflections to be seen anywhere in my range of vision, either to the right or left, or straight ahead, even far, far ahead... I was watching the road for deer and doing so like an absolute paranoid. Yet sure enough, once it was dark, we came upon eight fully grown elk standing alongside the road!?! ELK! And we did NOT see them until it could have been too late... Nothing happened though. Nothing happened at all. Some turned their heads as we drove right past them, but that was all, and although relieved, I felt as though I was going to throw up... All one can do is try to stay alert behind the wheel and drive safely... and hope we're lucky.
Leaving the subject of accidents: Life is so damn uncertain. We think we know. Yes, we think we have control over our own lives, enough that we make plans, believing we can make things happen the way we want them to turn out. Indeed, sometimes we really can make things happen and invoke real change, but sometimes life just doesn't meet our expectations; some things never go according to plan.
Our starting point for 2007: Right now I'm trying to make heads or tails of the fact that I'm still in Las Vegas, and not only have I not been offered an L.A. job of any kind whatsoever, I haven't even been invited for a job interview since last summer!?! I'm also now renting a room from a friend of ours... My 21st move since 1993. Sure, it's much better than nuthin' but I'm not terribly thrilled (understatement of massive proportions). Meanwhile, hoping to regain not only some free time, but also relieve some of the stress caused by his after-work commute with the angel boy-O, my honey-man has been trying for several months to land a 'semi-affordable' 2-bedroom apt. in Burbank (that'd be a minimum of $1500/month, folks), closer to the boy-O's school... Note the words 'trying' and 'several' in relation to the word 'months.'
Why can't we make this stuff happen? Why has it gotta be so frickin' difficult? Why can't anyone give us a chance? Why don't these employers want me? Would finding a job be just as difficult elsewhere?
Writing again after 5pm: I've done a count and I'm absolutely baffled. In 7 months' time, I've applied to over 92 different jobs and that does not at all count any of the jobs I've merely sent my resume and semi-general cover letters to via Monster.com or Yahoo Hot Jobs. Keep in mind that each formal application averages 2-3 hours to complete = I'll do the math here... I've spent at least 192 hours completing job applications, and more likely, it's really been about 250 hours = That's equivalent to 6 work weeks!!!
countless hours I've spent just
SEARCHING FOR JOBS
to apply for!!!
What am I doing wrong?!?
Writing again after 8pm: And in my current job? [Disclaimer: According to Dooce, no one should ever blog about work, but I won't be dissing anyone here.] So yeah, my current job... Because I'm out of town, way from work so frequently, going back and forth from Vegas to L.A., I'm always playing catch up. And I've just found out this evening that I'll be understaffed by not just one (who's on maternity leave, unsure she'll return after her 3 months of leave is up, which I totally understand), but now 2 full-time employees, the 2nd one being my own assistant. Now seeing that I'm still trying to leave for new employment myself and I'm the one in charge here, finding my replacement will be stressful enough... but now? How do I leave my job now? How?
In the last couple months, considering my COMPLETE and TOTAL LACK OF SUCCESS with MY L.A. JOB SEARCH, post-graduate school, coupled with the fact that the only consistent feedback I'm ever given is, "Sorry, but call us when you're already in L.A," we had been considering a "just bite the bullet and move anyhow to L.A. without a job lined up" kind of action, once the holiday chaos had subsided. And I was considering such a move seriously, even after spending ALL my "gunna move on over to L.A." money on a replacement vehicle last month, and without first replenishing that once cushy cash pillow... I was going to move because I. want. to. be. with. my. Cali. boys! [IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Here's my temperament = Never have I ever left a job without another job immediately lined up, ready and waiting for me = Not when I was a teenager, nor ever while in college as an undergrad, not even post-divorce; not ever! I've said it before and my feelings haven't truly changed: The idea of quitting my job with no other security in order is entirely TERRIFYING!] With my office soon to be in disarray, for me to try leaving for L.A. now and with no new job to go to? I won't go into detail to explain my circumstances at work, but I just can't leave now; NO ONE will know how to do my job, and honestly, I'm not comfortable screwing over good and honest people I've worked with and cared for, who've treated me so very well.
I feel like the cosmos are conspiring against me. I know things could ALWAYS be worse, but man... I haven't even made it to L.A. yet, and already, I feel tapped out.
I was wrong; I am depressed.
