SPF ~ Past, Present & Future

Okay, I said Sunday, but it's Monday...

This one has been really hard for me - everything I've thought of is either ridiculously trite or way toooo serious. Last night over dinner, I told my honey-man (a sweet, most tolerant supporter of my blogging) that I was having a really hard time with this past week's SPF... Initially, it was just a matter of me not being able to make up my mind as to what would be appropriate, but as of last Thursday, it's been difficult to keep anything in the proper perspective.
Earlier today I was told that I've tested positive for the presence of pre-cancerous cells found in/on my cervix. Not at all as bad as it could have been -"pre" is certainly better than "malignant"- but it was not at all what I wanted to hear. A few weeks ago I went in for my annual OBGYN visit and a rather plump polyp about the size of half my pinkie finger was found and removed on the spot. I was told that tests would be done in the following week and I wouldn't hear from the office unless something was wrong. This past Thursday while at work, I received a call and as I was told, "This is so-n-so from Dr. ______'s office. Your results from your last visit were abnormal [pap results vs. the polyp was not distinguished at the time of the call] and we need to have you come in next week if possible for a whatever-she-called-it biopsy series." My stomach immediately flew up in my throat and all I could think was "oh shit." Last Friday, my then present condition could only be described as "calmly floating along, yet slightly preoccupied." Why get upset when I don't really know what's going on? Right?
Considering my mother's health history, my own health has always been a subject of concern for my family, both immediate and extended. Turns out the polyp that was removed was found to be benign - very happy news. The additional biopsy samples collected today should provide more conclusive information as to whether or not whatever else that was found is considered "low-risk" or "high-risk," but I won't know until my follow up two weeks from now. Sure, the chances that I've got something seriously wrong/high-risk are low, but chances are chances and in my life's experience, things don't always work out how we'd like them too. This reality has apparently sunk in for me, despite all my efforts to not get upset or jump to any conclusions I really don't know or yet have... I had a dream the other night that I had to have a hysterectomy. Just a dream, but a disturbing one at that. My past, my present and my future all just seem fuzzy right now. I'm preoccupied is all - everything seems to be a bit on hold until I know more.