Right Here, Right Now

I had my long awaited sonogram yesterday morning and the results were really REALLY unexpected! I've been a bit dumbfounded by it all (still am), so it took me a while to come here to update...

Rather than blather on about how it all started and what happened blow by blow, like what I was thinking and how I felt and what the sonogram tech said and did, and this and that... Let's cut to the chase: We have a peanut sized fetus with a very strong, very normal, very on target visible heartbeat, a formed spine and 4 tinsy lil' nubbins for beginning limbs. It's size/length and my amniotic fluid volume are all to chart for how far along I am, which is 7 weeks and 2 days... and my due date is St. Paddy's Day.

Despite this unexpected discovery, with such a crazy and stressed start, we're reasonably weary as to what this all means. The day before yesterday though, my honey-man had given me a fabulous pep talk to help me with my state of limbo (he gives such guhoood, calming, grounding pep talks): He told me I should focus upon what I know right now, rather than worry about what I don't know, what I think may happen or what could happen... I know that I am pregnant (hadn't miscarried as expected) and I should focus upon doing what I should knowing that much. Since that pep talk, my mood elevated and I refocused my energy in a more positive direction, focusing upon right now and what I can do right now.

I'll still be meeting with my OB this Friday for a colposcopy to determine if I'm in any real trouble in that regard. I've already been forewarned that if my colposcopy does not clear out the abnormal cells found, my health will come before the pregnancy, and we understand this. I will also get to hear tomorrow what my OB thinks about my sonogram results.

But for right now? I'm totally focusing upon getting better, feeling better and taking care of myself, my family and my peanut. If we get as far as the next sonogram at 18 weeks along, the development of the fetus will be closely scrutinized, as is typical, but some extra tests may be done to determine more conclusively if every thing's normal. However, I will not be living for that benchmark... I'll be living for today, right now.

Thank you again to everyone for their sweet well wishes and support ~

Emotional & Hormonal Limbo

I've been staying home from work this week, considering I'm still on antibiotics for my blood infection and I have an annoying, non-productive viral cough that won't quit. I haven't had anymore fevers, but I can't do much without becoming easily exhausted. Yesterday, I slept from 9:30am until 3pm, and I still managed to go to bed 'round 11pm.

After coming home from the hospital, we discovered we'd left my one and only cell phone charger in my hospital room, which lost n' found said they did not ever find - ??? After having my cell off since Friday, I finally ventured out late last night to our nearby Target to buy a new cell charger. Upon returning to my car to head home, I opened my new charger and plugged in my cell, aiming to call my honey-man, and I discovered I'd missed nearly two dozen calls... and I felt myself swell with anxiety.

There's still a lot of people who don't know what's gone on in the last couple weeks, and telling and retelling my story over and over has begun to take it's toll emotionally, especially when my story has yet to reach any final resolve.

Although I'm thankful for everyone's caring concern, and I'm certainly thankful to be out of the hospital, relieved and thankful that my infection did not escalated any further, I now don't know what more to hope for - - I'm still pregnant and there's been no signs of the predicted miscarriage to come, yet I'm no longer 'feeling pregnant'... my nausea is gone, the headaches are gone, and the generally 'swollen' feeling seems to be over.

I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I'm totally in limbo. I should know more by tomorrow afternoon, but the waiting has been like slow torture. So yeah, that's how I am right now.

Where Did the Last 3 Weeks Go?

I'm home now. I was discharged from the hospital late last night and I've already managed to take two showers. I am happy to finally be home, but it feels awfully surreal. The last 3 weeks are pretty much a blur, this last week having been the fastest streaking fly by this year yet. So far, I feel a little dizzy here and there when I stand, and this morning I found myself in a drippy sweat with little to no effort, simply trying to wipe down the kitchen counters?!? So although I'm home, I'm feeling rather fragile, both physically and emotionally. If anyone were to yell "BOO," I'd probably burst into tears.

I'll be on a potent antibiotic for the next 12 days. And this next week will be a doozey too - -

But let me tell ya, after all this, what sits most prominently crystal in my mind? I've got some pretty devoted friends and family - - I had to recharge my cell phone almost every day, and I swear I had the sweetest smelling room in the entire hospital! The nurses told me so! And now our home is now flooded with the smell of lilies and lavender.

I feel very loved and I feel very fortunate to be so well loved. Thank you to everyone for their sweet get-well wishes and for all the good-healing vibes sent my way! Thank you.

via the 'Getwell:)Network' Part II

So, there's more to this story and we've decided it should be shared - - too keep it in, it hurts too much...

Friday, July 10th, I took a home pregnancy test and the 'positive result line' appeared instantly. My visit to the E.R. was just a week after our surprising discovery - - sure, we'd been trying to get pregnant, but this was really our first time going by the dates and timing it all out, and well, we just were not expecting it to have worked our first time trying to really get pregnant. We were honestly expecting months of trying far ahead of us.

To date, I'm nearly 5 weeks along, having spent nearly the entirety of that nearly 5th week in the hospital. Because I'm pregnant, a lot of things that could have been done if otherwise, were not done. I found out yesterday, as we'd suspected, that since this all began, my HCG hormone levels have not been doubling as they should. By now, I should be approaching 6-digits, but I'm still under 10K, tested as 7800 last Thursday. There could be a lot of reasons for this considering lower back x-rays on July 3rd, and 5 days of muscle relaxers and pain killers, but it's believed that the last week's worth of high fevers (103.8 on Monday) have taken their toll upon this pregnancy. What all this means is that I do not have a healthy pregnancy and that unless something totally, absolutely, outrageously miraculous occurs very soon, I'll be having a miscarriage in the next week or so.

I have another sonogram scheduled for next Wednesday so we can see if the amniotic sac is still attached, etc. etc., but because of a high risk abnormal PAP result from July 8th, my doctor wants me in on August 1st for a colposcopy (my 2nd) and biopsies. If I have not miscarried by August 1st, and if my HCG levels have not miraculously bounced into a high gear between now and then, we'll be doing a DNC to end the pregnancy. Intellectually, I know this would be the best thing to do...

I know a lot of women who have miscarried, and I know it's a really common thing. For those who lose a pregnancy to miscarriage really late in the first trimester or early 2nd trimester, I have always felt great sympathy, after they've had time to really get excited, to have shared their news and imagined their baby to be. [NOTE OF CLARIFICATION: I've always believed that unless there's extenuating circumstances involved, losing a pregnancy is nothing short of tragic.] Anytime I'd hear about an early miscarriage though, like anything under 12 weeks, although I knew I was in no position to judge how emotionally some would respond to such an early loss, I always found myself feeling as though I clearly didn't understanding how upsetting it obviously was, thinking foremost that at least it had happened early if it had to happen... I would offer my heartfelt sympathy, seeing their pain, but I did not understand it - - I could not truly fathom it.

It hasn't even happened yet and I feel nothing short of 'devastated.'

via the 'Getwell:)Network'

I'm typing from my 5-days-stay hospital room right now using a wireless keyboard, typing with a bum right hand that's stuck with a fat IV, so this'll have to be brief. BTW, this is the first time I've been online since last Thursday morning, so sorry if anyone's thought I'm ignoring 'em... I also haven't watched a lick of TV either, so I have no idea what the latest news may be. [SEMI-RELATED TANGENT: I've decided that even if I can find something I do like on TV (Discovery Channel, History Channel, Animal Planet, TLC, and HG TV), I really abhor the constant commercial interruptions enough that I'd rather not watch TV at all.]

THE MINIMUM BASICS: I had major shakes and sweats at work on Thursday morning, July 17th and my honey-man took me to a local urgent care center by 9:30am. BE FOREWARNED: TOO MUCH INFO. COMIN' RIGHT UP! My urine sample came out looking like organic cranberry juice... the kind you can't see through. It was a brand new development and shocked the hell outta me = I cried for at least 10 minutes straight. Lots of blood work was taken, lots of scans were done, I had a temperature of 100.8 and was told that if it went up, or if my pain increased, I had to see a local E.R.. and my honey-man and I were sent home from urgent care 'round 4pm.

Without detailing the inaccurate readings of our faulty home digital thermometer (topped out at 103.3 while waiting for Triage!?), my temp rose and we were off to the E.R. at 8pm. To make a long night at the E.R. super, super short, we didn't leave until 3:30am - - I was then admitted to a hospital bed and my honey-man went home at 4am.

To date. without listing all the details, the final short of it is this: The docs believe ('believe', meaning they really don't know for sure) that I had a low grade undetected bladder infection that moved into my left kidney. On Sunday, July 20th at 3:15pm, my pee cleared to yellow, but today, after throwing up several times and going through crazy sweating shakes and a 103.8 fever spike yesterday, they've determined that my infection has gone systemic to my bloodstream. They've changed and doubled the strength of my IV antibiotics and I've been told that I won't go home until I've been fever-free for at least 48 hours. Today and last night were my best yet, but my fever hasn't gone below 99.7, so wish me luck!

Oh and here's my needle-sticking count thus far: Right arm: 1 blown out vein from 1st IV attempt in the ER; my current IV; and 7 different blood draws. Left arm: First IV I'd had for 4 days; and 10 different blood draws. Now if we were counting how many blood viles? Man, I couldn't even attempt to determine that number. Today alone? ELEVEN VILES OF BLOOD DRAWN... and more, I'm told, in the coming hour.

Send me good healing vibes - and thanks!

P.S. I'm not sure if/when I may be online again and I can't fathom my Inbox right now, so don't count on that... Typing this post has been exhausting, so this will have to be it for the time being.

Two Good To Be True

Okay, so I got adjusted yesterday and felt ahhhlmost blissful (compared to the last 2 weeks) for the length of TWO hours... and then I was 'back' to having lower back muscle cramps and sharp rib pain on my left side by simply inhaling. Kind of a drag, considering I gotta breathe. So yeah, I'm 'back' to work today, but fearful that any attempt to do anything more than sit looking straight at my computer will cause a nyce, new muscle spasm to last the rest of this week. I'm tellin' ya, this has been great stuff, OHHHH yeah! (followed by a huge bottom-lip-out-pout on my face)

Adjusted and Happy For Now

I went to a chiropractor today after having thrown my back out on June 29th and twisting it again while swimming yesterday... and now? I ahhlmost feel like a new woman! The most surprising thing today was to find out I had this extremely knotted muscle cluster across and beneath my left shoulder blade (my rhomboid and trapezius? and one other muscle name, I can't remember) that were apparently helping to cause me a few complications, some of which I've been potentially dealing with for years (that's another long story), explaining the way I sit straight and the chronic numbness and tingling I experience on the left side of my torso and neck. And there's a bunch more chiropractic this and that I was told, all of which I can't explain well without mixing it all up, but the short of it? I was impressed with this doc and I'm hopeful that this adjustment will help me out. I have a follow-up appt. next week - - fingers crossed! Wish me luck! I have a follow-up next week. We'll see where I am by then!

Throw it Long & Hard

...good advice for any ball play (think sports, people), but not the best recommendation when it comes to one's back!

Last weekend, I threw my back out and I would up missing work this entire week. How did it happen? It's really such a totally lame story. *sigh*

My lame story (WARNING: You DO NOT need to read this!): For the last few weeks, my lower back had been bothering me, forcing me to almost always sit straight at attention on either the edge of my seat or sit cross legged on the floor, pinching and seizing here and there, makin' me feel generally old and really outta shape (that latter point has just been my reality for some time now). Well, last Saturday night, I'd refilled our 1.5 gallon Pur water filter dispenser and with it full to the brim, I'd opened the fridge and bent forward to stash it in its usual spot. However, there was this large bag of Idaho potatoes that had tipped over, well in the way of the dispenser's usual spot. [SIDE NOTE: Yes, a 15-lb bag of potatoes is ridiculously large for a 3-person household! yes, I know sweetness, I know now! I won't buy another one ever again (at least not until we have a couple more family members added to our lot ~ hee hee).] I''d asked my honey-man to please help me move the blasted bag of potatoes (he was standing right there), and when he squeezed in beside me to do so, I twisted myself out of the way, still bent over while holding the dispenser and WHOA! Did I twist the wrong way! Big pain crunching lower back pinch! - - not yet thrown out altogether, but on it's way... After the water dispenser incident, I was purty stiff, unable to turn at the waist or bend over deeply, slow to get in and out of bed and on and off the couch with extra care.

The next day, after the angel boy-O's mommie and step-daddy-O, had left and had made it back to California, my honey-man and the angel boy-O had gone swimming together and I was left to carefully tidy up 'round the house.

BACKGROUND INFO: We'd had a birthday dinner, all of us together for the angel boy-O and his step-daddy-O, who share the same birthday date that would come later in the following week (this week). We'd given both of them their birthday gifts that night, and for the angel boy-O's step-daddy-O, who we'll now refer to as 'Randall,' we'd actually ordered his birthday gift online to be shipped to Burbank, so we didn't have it with us to give to him directly. Instead, my honey-man cleverly designed a cool card featuring a picture of what he'd receive (two Playstation II cordless controllers), and he'd gift-wrapped the card in a heavily rock-filled box.

Okay, so this box we'd had filled with rocks to throw dear Randall off, it was left lying on the floor last Sunday, and not remembering the rocks were in the box, I bent over slightly to quickly pick up the box by a lid flap and waahlah! DOWN I WENT! I landed on my knees on the hard tile, back seizing. The rest of me then hit the floor, and writhing around, trying to find a position in which my back would quit KILLING ME. After what seemed WAY TOO LONG, I wound up lying in the fetal position on my right side, right arm extended out above my head, while I cried my eyes out. Both Otis and Owen had immediately ran over to investigate what all the fuss was about, sweetly meowing at me, "What the heck happened? why are you lying there? why are you crying?" Otis plopped down in front of me, sniffing my eyes and presenting his fuzzy tummy to cheer me up, and all I could do was lay there unable to move for about 10 minutes, before my honey-man and the angel boy-O came back from their swim.

Until yesterday, I couldn't sit up without having to hunch forward and couldn't even do that more than 5 minutes at a time, and today's the first day I've been able to prop up and lay back with the laptop, able to type two-handed... but I can't do it much longer. Only yesterday, I had to always have a hand free to keep myself propped up. Oh and on Wednesday, after I'd had the chance to shower, I noticed in the mirror that my torso doesn't sit straight on my hips... it's shifted about 2 inches to my right!? Totally freaks my honey-man out, big time.

So, over the last 4 days, not able to sleep all that well, unable to do just about anything, I've watched more cable TV than I have in the entire last year. Lots of HG TV and Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch. And it was either Tuesday or Wednesday, I watched VH1's Top 100 songs of the 90's, from #100, all the way down to #1... This, of course, made me feel like a total loser. The laying around doing absolutely nothing but vegging out has been driving me absolutely insane!!! Of course, at the same time, I'm most grateful I even have had the option of staying home without missing pay or the threat of losing my job! But man, the watching of TV has been maddening - - and trying to read? Hadn't been a successful effort until today...

Anywhooo, my lil' brother is here in town from Iowa, taking a break from all the mayhem caused by the flooding there. He arrived late last night and I haven't seen him yet and that's driving me crazy too! In the next hour, however, I should have some good meds to take, so I hope we won't have to abandon our 4th of July plans. More on that later... For now, though, my back is officially freakin' out some more, so I gotta stop this.