Real Problems

Things have been so hectic since we got married - - [BEWARE: This begins as a whiney post, that turns quite serious.] It's really been an ongoing struggle -- admittedly, a minor struggle, yes, but a struggle, nonetheless; [Here begins the big run-on list.] Trying to keep on top of my French studies amidst two different weddings scheduled barely one month apart from one another, so that I don't have to pay back the pre-paid tuition (which is what I'll have to do if I get anything less than a B ~ and by the way, I got an A- on my midterm last week, a miracle in itself!); catching up at work since our return from our honeymoon; and things at my work and more stuff at work; and WAY, WAY too many cupcakes devoured from the Cupcakery after work; and a lot of crap at work; trying (and failing) to workout regularly; and two weekend trips to LA in a row [SIDE NOTE: Although greatly appreciated, I never knew how my honey-man could drive back and forth from L.A. to Vegas every week for months at a time over the last 3 years!]; and trying (and failing until last night) to get our wedding announcement website up and running so we could FINALLY send out our wedding announcements to everyone who hadn't been a part of our big day, who were already feeling left out enough as it was; and calling and running around to a gazillion different locations to get my blasted name change final; and trying repeatedly (and failing repeatedly) to help my honey-man feel connected and complete in the absence of his angel boy-O, since the lil' guy's return to his Moma's in Burbank; and a lot of stuff going on at work; and trying to personally catch up with a gazillion different people since the wedding; and trying to do all that personal connecting with the crappy 'upgrade' cell phone I'd had for the last 3 weeks (which I finally returned to AT&T last Saturday); and waiting and waiting (and failing and failing) to experience some normalcy in the bathroom for the last several months; and a lot of shit to do and deal with at work; and waiting and waiting for my appointment with the gastro-intestinal Doc this coming 30th [SIDE NOTE: I keep telling myself it can't be serious, cuz they wouldn't have made me wait this long if they'd seen something in the CAT Scan results, right?]; and worrying that I'll have difficulty getting pregnant with all my female issues; and have I mentioned things are difficult at work? Can't say much more than that though, about work, of course.

Now listen: None of the aforementioned is big, terrible stuff - - NONE OF IT! - - All mere inconveniences really, in that all our needs are met and then some. Now, indeed, some of these 'inconveniences' are extremely painful ones, but real problems involve things like, oh, not having a roof over your head, losing one's livelihood, having no food to eat, the diagnosis of a terminal illness, a death in the family, etc. - - those are real problems. And this fact, that I still can't seem to find a balance, even with so little on my plate right now? I already knew that with one exception only, all this is rather pathetic, even in terms of any excuses I could muster. Well, all this was made to feel supremely pathetic come last Friday morning... and I am ashamed of myself.

A friend of ours lost his 19 year old son late last Thursday night to a horrible, dreadful freak accident. His son had had a condition, prone to seizures. His son had gone outside to sit in the backyard near the pool for better cell phone reception, and his son had an epileptic episode and slipped into the swimming pool and drowned, found by the eldest son, hours later.

Friday after work, after my honey-man had covered that entire workday for our friend, we walked to our mailbox together in silence. And on the way back to our home, we discovered that we were both thinking the very same thing: We both were wondering [not for the first time in either of our lives], if we could somehow comprehend all that goes on in the world at any one given moment -all the accidents and all the crime, all the personal, individual loss, all the neglect and wrong-doing, all the hurt and all the pain- if we could somehow have it all come into consciousness, how could we even function? - - how could we function at all?

My Grammie Joanie lost her youngest son to a tragic car accident when he was 19 years old - - and my step-mum's mother lost her eldest son when he was 22 years old, also to a car accident. And my Grams lost her 2nd eldest daughter, my own mum, age 33, to Hodgkins disease.

How does one go on when they've lost a child? Parents aren't meant to outlive their children.