Monday, June 08, 2009

Overhauling One's Expectations

I wrote this last night around 10pm-ish and at some point, I actually nodded off to sleep!

Some days, I can't determine if my expectations of myself are truly realistic or way, way off base. Sometimes, honestly, it seems my expectations simply set me up for an overall sense of failure. I can never do all that I want to get done, and I know this. Yes, intellectually, I do know this, yet I keep struggling with this nagging feeling that I should be doing more, always. Well, it's not really a feeling so much as a deeply felt belief, a belief I can't seem to give up.

I may have mentioned this before, but I'm one of those people who derives a grrreat (and also sick) sense of accomplishment by crossing things off a to-do list, able to stand back and look at what I've done, able to say to myself, see all that you've done today? Well, having a baby, as I suspected would be the case, it has really thrown me for a loop, in that she does not either require a neat and tidy to-do list, nor does she accommodate much of any to-do list I may have.

Some days, I can easily dismiss the many to-do lists I can create, and I can instead focus upon the here and now, enjoying my baby daughter and accomplishing a little bit of everything as I take things as they come, and I don't think (or rather, obsess) much about tomorrow. Other days, I plan a marathon of errands, and I run through a literal laundry list of household tasks, plus a litany of projects to work on towards completion. If my timing runs as I hope it will and zee wee babe goes along with mommie's fast-paced flow, I'm a very, very happy camper, as it's reminiscent of how I used to be; how it felt then to get things done... how I then used to derive a sense of self-worth for myself. Sometimes though, honestly, when I try to do what I did before, it's just exhausting is all.

It's been getting easier over the last couple weeks though. More often than not now, our big run-around days are quite successful! Of course, it certainly helps that I've had two and a half months to learn how to read the signs my baby gives me as to what she needs. Foremost, I'm having to learn how to derive my sense of worth from both my to-do list AND from being a mommie. When I focus upon the latter, without being too critical (of couse), I can be as happy as a lark... I LOVE BEING A MOMMIE, but it's the old me that throws it all out of whack. I'd been doing really well the last couple weeks, juggling the old me and the new mommie-me. Unfortunately, in just the last couple days, the balance is threatening to fly off kilter, as the angel boy-O arrived to Vegas for these first two months of the summer (yay!!!), and the countdown to the day I return to work has begun.

Yup, I return to work on June 22nd, and this makes me really nervous = AND WHAT A BIG, FAT, FREAKIN' GYNORMOUS UNDERSTATEMENT THAT IS!?!

One of the big questions plaguing me is "How will I get everything done?" --Well, I do know the answer to that, it's easy: I won't. But how will I not go crazy because of this? --I don't yet know how and that's why I'm nervous.

1 comment:

melissalyn said...

Umm... Perhaps a little insight-- that's just it, the "old" you is gone. Becoming a mother changes your identity and often your ability to return things to how they once were. Yet, I also see "mommy-dom" as a grand opportunity to rediscover, or re-invent who you are and who you hope to be (for your self and your family). Being able to focus on the new found depth to many of your emotions; love, commitment, compassion, empathy, understanding, strength, and will--AND combining these traits with your natural drive to complete things, will undoubtedly produce the most wonderful sense of self and personal "completeness" you may have ever experienced!!
You are very much, a most kind, generous, giving and insightful friend, who I cherish! I cannot wait until the baby-bean
is able recognize such wonderful traits in her mother, and develop them as her own. You are blessed my dear--hold your head high and do not be discouraged!