When She was Thirty-Three

Hi Mum, *Big sigh*

How's it been going these last 21 years? Can you believe it's now been 21 years? And I had thought 20 years, just last year, was well enough time to have lived without you. Of course, I realize the time just gets longer and longer, compared to the 12 years I did have with you... I know.

As a child, I had believed you'd live to be 65, just one year beyond "When I'm Sixty-Four." No one set me up with this expectation. I made it up on my own, and although I did not share this with others, I had convinced myself that you would last that long. See, I had figured that by the age of 65, my children would have all been born and would have all had the chance to have met you.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but when I was 24 years old, I had thought that that year would have to be the very worst, realizing it was the 'half-way point' of no return; having lived half of my life without you, and that from there on out, my time with you would be forever growing smaller than the time I'd continue to live without you.

This year though? Well, this year may actually be the worst thus far, although I don't think I can bawl my eyes out for hours like I did when I was 24.

I'm 33 years old, newly and happily remarried for 6 months now, working full-time while contemplating another masters program (?!?) on top of my MPA, and I'm an absentee step-mom with no other babies, except furry lil' feline ones, and my hair is short by choice, and for the time being, it happens to be hot pink. In stark contrast, when you were my age, you'd been out of college since you were 21 years of age, and you'd never worked full-time since your teenage summers. You had been married for 13 years and had a 12 year old daughter, and you'd spent over half of your life sick with Hodgkins disease. You were experiencing the third regrowth of your hair, post-treatment. You were 33 years old, and you died 6 months before your 34th birthday.

This year will be the beginning of my outliving you.

I really miss you, mum.

Love,
Your Squirreleta oxo