Monday, August 22, 2011

So Many Unknowns

It's funny how as I get older, from one year to the next, from month to month even, I realize more and more how little I know, yet we all THINK we know. SO much of my life is a total unknown. I can try -pretend- I know what we're going to be doing or planning and what's gunna happen -what the outcome will be- but I have almost ZERO control over my future.

There are so many variables I ignore, variables that define my life and my limits. And then there are the limits I create for myself, in my mind's eye, painting myself into a box, failing to look beyond what I think has to be this way or that. I'm babbling, kinda --

Anyhow, I've been trying to STOP pretending I know so much about where we've been and where we're going. I can hope and strive and make goals and make plans, but so little of it is in my control. I'm trying to be more aware of all that I'm afraid of and let go of those things that I have no control over.

Preventative measures have been my forte for years, but I'm discovering more and more that I waste so much time preparing for what might happen, trying to control what might happen. Too much time, too many resources, far too much focus and WAY TOO MUCH OF MY ENERGY is spent thinking about what could happen, with my trying to control those outcomes.

I'm rambling a bit here, I know.

I guess I needed to get it out there, that I'm trying to let go, to enjoy and to live more in the here and now, to accept those things that will happen that I can or cannot plan for, to accept there's so much I cannot control. I can't fret my life away anymore. And I cannot focus so much upon all that's wrong with the world - -because there's a great deal of good going on as well, and I'm a part of the good stuff going on. No, I'm not curing cancer, but I'm doing good.

All my screw-ups to date, they've made me who I am. In no way am I perfect and there's a TON of room for improvements, yes, but generally speaking, I'm a happy person and I do like myself (most of the time). As my honey-man told me just last night, each day is a chance to do my best, despite yesterday.

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