Tuesday, November 17, 2009

We Can't Help It: We Miss the Boy-O Horribly

Man, I can't wait for Thanksgiving week to get here, dammit! We miss our angel boy-O sooo badly - - Tonight, after dinner, cleaning up around the kitchen, as my honey-man washed the cooking pans and dishes, it just hit me so hard that I yelled out loud at the ceiling that I miss him so much.

Late last month, I'd written over at our family blog that I wasn't going to write anymore about how much we miss him:

"...At the beginning of the October month, [the boy-O] had a 'fall break' from school, which allowed him to fly into Vegas on a Wednesday night and stay through to Sunday afternoon. IT WAS SOOOO WONDERFUL to have him for more than just a couple nights!!! We REALLY, REALLY loved having him for 4 nights and THREE WHOLE DAYS plus half of Sunday - - And of course, we were totally heartbroken when he had to leave us, as usual...

I'm not sure we're ever going to get used to the pain we feel when [the boy-O] leaves. We basically miss him all the time, and for the few days following his return home to [his mom n' step-dad], we actually feel a bit under the weather. It's emotionally and psychologically challenging, gotta say. I think that from now on, it should go without saying that it's ALWAYS hard to let him go EACH AND EVERY TIME, but that's the way it is, and I'm just not going to write about it or mention it anymore."
After the summer's over, we go month to month with one chance per month to see him, and each time we see him, it's just sooo freakin' bittersweet - - long enough to serve as a refresher as to what we're missing out on each and every day, yet never long enough to build upon any kind of family routine or to influence his daily habits. It's hard to find a good balance and the right attitude to take when it comes to our ability, or rather, our inability to parent him and be a family. And for me, it's hard to find my role in it at all, especially now, as he sees how involved I am with his baby sister and makes his own comparisons, although we've tried repeatedly to explain she's a dependent, needy little baby, and she does live with us everyday, so her life is about living with us, etc. etc. Hard stuff.

Man, this is such a loaded subject, I don't know where to go with it really, especially here, blogging, so I'll stop and leave it at this: I'm very happy the angel boy-O will be here for Thanksgiving. Although we saw him in UT for Halloween, he hasn't been to our home since that first weekend of October. It will be wonderful to have him here, sleeping in his bedroom, singing in the shower, getting popcorn all over the couch, hanging on the open refrigerator door, playing with the kids in our development, riding his bike with his dad... and to spend more than a flash-in-the-pan weekend together.

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