With Finality

Some background info:  We had Jellybean's 3rd birthday party on the 31st, and a mommie of one of her lil' classmates had come to the party despite the fact that she was due to have her baby that very day.  She told me how her first birth had been by cesarean and that she'd been told this second pregnancy would be a c-section as well due to her first.  Her doc's scheduled vacation wound up overlapping with her due date, so they had initially set a date for a scheduled c-section to happen the week before he was to leave town. She'd gone in as scheduled, was all dressed in her hospital gown, IV line in and everything, waiting only to be wheeled into surgery, and then she changed her mind and she said no thanks. She hadn't met her due date yet, and she told them that it felt altogether wrong, and sure, she knew she'd have to use a substitute doctor, but she was going to give her baby time to arrive on its own time. She left the hospital and she and her husband went home, and there she was still preggers a week later, and at our Jellybean's party on her due date. Three days after the party, the mommie had her baby and without a cesarean. And after seeing her up and about at Jellybean's school, just 4 days after giving birth, I was not only envious, I was hopeful; hopeful that I, too, might be able to pull off a post-cesarean vaginal birth (VBAC). In fact, by yesterday's scheduled appointment with my OB, I was not just hopeful, I was kinda fired up, ready with research and statistics handy, and various specific questions as to a repeat c-section versus his facilitating a non-surgical VBAC delivery. Admittedly now, it was kinda silly on my part. 

The Latest:  Well, my OB doc told me yesterday afternoon that it's not up to him and it's not up to me either, nor is the matter to be decided by what's most medically sound and/or safe for me and my baby.  With 100% certainty, due to my two hospital options determined by the limitations of my health insurance, I will be made to have a repeat c-section as official hospital rules for those who've already had a cesarean birth.

Although my OB had forewarned me months ago that due to my cesarean scar tissues I'd likely wind up having another cesarean, there was some wiggle room in our first few conversations on the matter, that we'd wait and see how it goes. The absolute finality of yesterday's news kinda slapped me backwards and it had me reliving the realities of my first cesarean, remembering with full detail how, um, awful my recovery was. Consequently, by 11pm last night, I wound up bawling like a baby for about an hour before finally going to sleep. And then I slept like total ca ca and had birthing nightmares all night long.

Ultimately, I simply want the wee one to get here safely - - but I would also like to be given the chance to immediately hold and kiss my baby, rather than be made to crane my neck to get a mere seconds' glimpse, and then wait over an hour to meet her. Yeah, and I don't want the bladder catheter re-insertions sans anesthetic, nor do I want the busy maternity nurses neglecting my meds less than 12 hours post-surgery, and then there's all the percocet -and feeling dopey- and the resulting chronic constipation, nor do I want any of the swollen, oozing, on-fire and peeling allergic skin reactions to the glue of the steri-strips across my already tender incision. Oh, and I reeeally could go without the 'blood patch' to fix my spinal block headaches. Well, and yeah, I could do without those headaches, period. I'd also like to be able to hold/lift/carry my toddler, and to clean my own home, and to do my own grocery shopping, rather than have to wait 6-8 weeks before I'll be able to do any of that. It also hit me incredibly hard like a gut punch last night that I do not want the chronic pain caused by healing scar tissue, limiting my activity for nearly a year --whether I'm to fight a post-pregnancy libido flatline or not.  I want to be able to hit the ground running after this pregnancy, and I've essentially been told that will be a no-go. Yes, it ALL came flooding back to me last night and I totally lost it.
 

I know, bitch, bitch, bitch, and pouty-pout, pout about it, I know, I know... IT COULD ALWAYS BE WAY, WAY, WAY WORSE. I know. I do know.

I've been telling people for months now, openly and without complaint, that I'll likely have to have another c-section, and I'd been acting like it's all fine with me and I'd thought I was in a state of acceptance already. Then we had Jellybean's birthday party....  I hadn't realized how much I'd been hoping there was chance, no matter how slim, that I might get to delivery our baby myself.

Now that I've been told there's no way it will happen, and with such finality at that, I am really feeling it. So I'm spending the next 24 to 48 hours to get over it (like the first time I was told Jellybean would have to arrive via c-section), and thereafter, I'll accept it as truth, and 8 weeks from now I'll happily welcome our new baby into our world, and I'll grit my teeth, even post-cesarean.